lost without a cause

Is it all really worth €95?

2011-02-13T02:05:00.000Z

Ok, so I'm in the middle of the mocks. Or the Pre's as we Irish call them. And for the priviledge of having our lives ruined for 2 weeks, we pay €95. Every paper we sit has to be sent to an external examiner which in the case of the pre's is some trainee teacher who needs a few quid. Generally the result we get isn't actually the result we should be, and end up spending a very long time going through each paper with our teachers looking for mistakes in marking. When I sat my Junior Cert in 2007, I managed to gain an extra 5% because of cock ups made during marking. Now I'm not one for piling more work on our already over worked teachers, but I honestly think they'd be better off marking our pre's themselves. At least then we know that the mark we're getting is accurate, because bar one of my teachers, I know all of them are competent enough to be able to mark the paper to the same standards as the examiners. It's stupid that we pay stupid amounts of money for this, and then for the real thing have to pay another €130. I don't mind paying it for the real thing, because I know that the examiners are smart enough to mark them well, but paying nearly €100 for it for the pre's is ridiculous, especially in the current economic climate when not everyone can exactly afford it. It pisses me off something chronic that the government are forever moaning that they don't have enough money when the amount of money the Dept of Ed get from the exams is appalling. Grrrr.

I'm gonna topic jump here, to something that's quite close to my heart because of what my boyfriend does. Chris is a trainee paramedic for East Midlands Ambulance Service, who have recently been in the news because of the (in my opinion) fully justified actions of a solo responder paramedic in Derby. She was called to a pub at about 1am in the morning to a woman suffering a blood clot as a result of recent leg surgery. Bearing in mind the time and that she was being called to a potentially dangerous situation due to alcohol being present, the standard procedure is to wait for back up before entering a situation. The crew that had been requested were 2 minutes away from finishing their meal break and were told they were not allowed to respond until they were finished. Wanna know why this is? Because if they're interrupted for anything other than the declaration of a major incident, they can claim £130 off EMAS. In the end the paramedic went to the pub alone and found CPR being administered and of course she started her own treatment. There's an EU directive about rest breaks you know? They have to take them, whether they like it or not. Because that crew were on a rest break, they were not allowed by proticol to answer the paramedic's request for back up, and as a result the paramedic is now suspended. What the fuck? How is that justifiable? Because of EMAS proticols, she got in crap and is now fighting for her job. It's stupid and annoys me. I wouldn't deny Chris his rest breaks, He works 12 hour shifts and can go 10 hours without getting 5 mins for a toilet break or anything. If he gets a rest break he's entitled to it. But I know that if he had 2 mins left and there was a critical call waiting, he'd take it. The only reason EMAS refused to let them go was because they knew fine well they'd have to cough up over £250 for 2 interrupted meal breaks. Ragggge

Anyway. It's late, and I'm going to bed. I feel better for that rant haha.

The beginning of the End.

2011-02-08T21:35:00.000Z

Well, the mocks began today, and it wasn't fun. They had time tabled it so that English paper 2 was first. We needed over three hours for it, and the only way to do it where that would happen was to have the paper in the morning. It was all going well until I started the last big question on poetry. I knew from the moment I started the unseen poetry section I was screwed. I had 40 minutes to write a page on the unseen poem and 5 pages on the poet I had studied, Emily Dickinson. It was a disaster. I wrote about 14 pages on everything else and completely flunked the question I had prepared the most for. I was raging. But at least I'm making the mistake now and not in June. I think in June I'll start the seen poet first and then work my way through the questions, and leave the short 20 marker to the end when I know if I'll have time.

Paper 1 was this afternoon, and I swear, my hand hadn't fully recovered from the mornings attempted massacre of my metacarpals. I had to answer questions on Nando Parrado, then write an article giving Leaving cert students advice on how to suceed in their goals. Then it was on to the piece I was dreading the most. The essay. They really did give us some seriously lame topics, and in the end I decided on the one about a "Male-dominated society" which got me going into a full blown rant. I do feel sorry for the examiner who's reading it if it's a bloke. I really don't speak very highly of them. Oops. Well, We shall see next month when the papers come back whether my 30 odd pages of waffled garbage has been enough to scrape me a pass!

R.I.P Bill Smyth. 1936 - 2011

2011-02-08T21:30:00.000Z


R.I.P Bill Smyth.

I've known Bill since I was about 8. He used to always bound into the studio in the radio station and stick his earphones in the headphone jack on the news readers desk and start the news with the most articulate speech you could imagine. He made every story seem exciting, and even the stories that would bore most people to tears, Bill managed to inject some life into. I will always remember the Saturdays when dad took me into work with him, and I got to sit in the newsroom with Bill looking through the newspaper articles for something interesting to talk about. Bill's hatred of technology was apparent, and instead of using a dictaphone like most reporters, Bill preferred to write in shorthand, much to the dismay of anyone else trying to read his writing. His catchphrase quickly becoming "It's not bloody working!" Bill will always be in my heart not just for his quality of reporting, but for his outstanding kindness and warm heart.

R.I.P Bill, Radio has lost one of it's last true legends in Northern Ireland

2000 Views

2011-02-05T18:40:00.004Z

Who's gonna get the 2000th view on my blog and make me smiley?

UPDATE

I dunno who it was, but 2004 views is pretty cool :D

Inevitability

2011-02-04T18:35:00.000Z

It happened. I ended up incosterated. It was nowhere near as bad as any of the other times though and I was only on IV anti-biotics, steroids and o2 this time. So it wasn't that bad. It did mean however that I didn't get to see dad as much as I would've liked as I was stuck in Cavan. But he came and stayed in the B&B that Chris stays in when he came over, so he spent a good part of the day up with me on Friday. I spent most of Friday in A&E and having him there to talk to made it slightly less boring which was cool.

My mocks start this week. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I've done very little revision and I'm still not feeling overly great. I'm worried I'm gonna cough my way through them. I didn't manage to get it where I'm in my own room because I left it too late and stuff so :S. I'm just gonna have to give it my best shot and hope for the best.

We'll see what happens!

Noooooooo!

2011-01-24T22:17:00.000Z

I have the lurgy! Feck feck feck feck and feck again. Dad's coming on Friday. This can't be happening!!! I rang my respiratory nurses this morning to see what I can do until Saturday when dad goes home. Their suggestion being 60mg of prednisolone, 4 puffs BD of both inhalers (Urggggh) and 2 hrly nebs. I'm shaking like someone having DT's from booze, and trust me on this, I know what people shake like when they're detoxing. Pray this clears on it's own, I need to stay out if I have any hope of passing this year. On top of that I'm eating like nothing I've ever seen before. It's not good! My diet's going out the window! Arrggggh!

Please please please pray this doesn't get any worse. I want to see my dad!

I'm a success!

2011-01-22T10:35:00.000Z

Finally things are going my way! Well, mostly! Things in school are going well. Apart from Thursday when I had to take the day off (will explain in a bit) I've completed 2 full weeks at school. The first time since September! This is good, and my teachers are noticing it. I'm doing quite well in all my subjects and things are starting to really look up. Apart from the fact I have to do the pre's (mocks) I'm quite optimistic about the leaving. It's annoying though, they're telling me to do the mocks, but to use my book. So I'm technically doing something I could do at home and paying €95 for the priviledge. Grrrr.

But yea, I don't know if I'd said, but mum broke her wrist about 8 weeks ago. She was directing the ambulance up the lane for me and slipped right in front of it breaking her wrist quite spectacularily. What a way to do it. But she had to get the cast of on Thursday and she didn't know what time she'd be back, if she'd be back on thursday. There was talk of sedating her for it so she wouldn't be allowed to drive. So there would be nobody to pick up me or TJ from school, so I had to stay at home and look after TJ *read sleep all day* so I got a day off school.

Asthma-wise *whispering now* things are going really well. I've got my Prednisolone down to 15mg and am able to do a lot more than normal. This is very good. For once I'm having a good run of things and I'm going to make the most of it. Getting to school every day is fantastic. I've missed it. I can finally climb my own stairs at home without ending up in a heap. School's pushing it, but I'm managing a lot better than normal. Peak Flow's are hovering around 200 which is good for me and I'm still reducing the pred. Life's gooooood!

Things with James (Arsewipe or AW for short) aren't going quite as well. He rang an ambulance on Monday night telling them he'd taken an overdose. Needless to say he actually hadn't, but it had gotten to the stage where he wanted that badly to have a warm bed for the night that he was willing to go to that stage. They found out he'd had a Minor heart attack and pulmonary embolism. These aren't good things, but he discharged himself anyway. It's stupid, he's risking his own life and he's going to leave TJ without a dad if he carries on. But I don't care. He's not my problem anymore. I have enough going on in my life to worry about without having that AW causing problems for me aswell.

But I will leave you with the thought that I'm getting better and life's good!

12 of 12

2011-01-12T20:14:00.000Z

Was late getting up this morning, so drugs were a hurried affair. I'm back on Seretide though, so I have a purple inhaler!

Had to go to to the bank after my dentist appointment. Only to find it wasn't open yet. Major rage.

Had a free class because I don't do irish. So got my evil English essay of doom on Emily Dickinson started finally

Saw this Spongebob Squarepants guitar in town on my way home from school and thought it was the coolest thing ever!

Nanny bought me some more bio oil for my stretch marks on my tummy. It's good stuff that!

Had to wrap Chris's Christmas presents because he's coming over on Friday. Yaay! He got some lego, a lego DVD, a Boy's annual and a model air ambulance.

Bought myself a new stapler today. What did I do when putting some staples in it? Stuck one straight through my thumb. Idiot

Made my lunch for tomorrow. It saves me the hassle in the morning. I'm not a big morning person.

Stalking UCAS Track!

Urgh, Evil homework! Make it go away!

Was this little mites 6th Birthday, so we all went over to nanny's and had cake. My wee cuzin is getting old!

And finally, bedtime!

Boring day much? Thought so too.

Rejected.

2010-12-23T20:51:00.000Z

Well, I got my first university rejection today. De Montfort Uni in Leicester. It was my first choice and everything. Well pissed off. Leicester would've been ideal because I would've been on placement in hospitals I know. I've still got to hear back from a few, and the latest I'll know is May, so it's not horrendous. I'm just a bit dis-heartened to see my first choice declined.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Things have been a bit hectic here. I managed six weeks out of hospital and then three weeks in. Three weeks in hospital is enough to send anyone nuts. But Chris came to see me when I was in, which was fantastic. It really cheered me up seeing him. It was tough because he was meant to come over last weekend but couldn't afford to stay in a B&B again so we had to say no to that one. It was a bit shit because I got out then on the Monday. While I was in though I tried sub cut and it worked really well, so I know I can use that in future if need be. Hayes has a few tricks up his sleeve apparently, so we shall see what happens. I'm determined to stay out of hospital long enough to make it to clinic this time. 17th of Jan and counting.

In other news, James is back with us again. While I was in hospital, Nanny and Pappy found out he was staying with us and told mum that if he didn't go, we had to. So mum kicked him out. But the weather hit -15 here and he didn't have any heating in the garage, so mum let him come back for a bit. He has to be gone by the first week in Jan though, Nanny and Pappy are coming back from Tenerife for a week and if they find out he's here they'll have a fit. I can't wait to see Nanny, I missed her when I was incosterated.

So Christmas shopping is all done, wrapped and all that jazz. I hate Christmas, the only good thing is seeing TJ open his presents on Christmas morning. I'm too old for Santa now and to everyone else it's just another day in the year, cept with better food. Christmas is all about the food. Fact. I'm having Chicken and Ham this year. Can't be arsed cooking a turkey, and I don't think it would fit in our oven anyway. The poor oven would probably have a fit if we tried to put a full sized bird into it. Last time we tried to do anything inventive mum set fire to the kitchen. And then James set fire to the toast this morning. Our oven doesn't like us much. That'll teach mum to use a gas oven that's older than me and probably isn't safe to be used in a home anymore.

Anyway,

Happy Christmas dear readers. (Does anyone actually read this?!) and have a happy new year!

Atrocious Behaviour!

2010-11-04T03:07:00.000Z

I know. I'm a disgrace. I've been out of hospital now for about 3 weeks and I've not bothered my arse updating my blog. Right, well I'll do it in topics haha.

Hospital Admission.

Well, as I had previously posted, I wasn't feeling fantastic in the week running up to being admitted, owing to the fact I got infected with something known as "The Common Cold" or in my case "The bastarding thing that causes me to go into hospital everytime I get one." I knew quite early on in the day that I was going to end up in. I just felt pants and my sats where slowly going down. I've got a little sats monitor I use occasionally when I'm not feeling great to see whether I can get away with just nebbing or not. But this just wasn't happening today and I packed my back at about 12pm knowing fine well what was going to happen. About 9pm I texted mum and told her to call it. It's easier for me to text her when I'm not well than it is to bellow down the stairs. So the ambulance came and I got buggered off to Cavan. Where the lovely people there kept me on a corridor giving me half hourly nebs and 100% o2 all night. Joyous. Needless to say when I ended up on CPAP on ICU the next morning the nurses and my consultant wasn't too pleased. It was amusing to see *Lily bellowing at A&E the next day. But got out after a week, so it wasn't too bad. What wasn't cool though was that while I was in I was using my iPhone for the internet and ran my bill up to £200. Ouch.

Dad

When I got out, I went to see Daddy in Belfast for a few days. It was great seeing him, even if it was only for a few days. I haven't seen him since Christmas and I really missed him. He's moved to Tenerife because of the way his work is so I don't get to see him very often. I got to see some people I haven't seen in ages like my aunt and great aunt aswell, so it's all good. I'm hoping if my lungs behave to get over to see Dad in February, and if not he's coming home to see me. And so help him if he doesn't, I'll kill him!

School

I'm semi back to school. I went in last Friday, then it was half term. So I had a shite load of work to catch up on over half term. I suppose it was good I had half term to do it, or I would've been screwed. I went in on Monday, but had Tues and Weds off because I got the flu jab and haven't been feeling fantastic. Bloody thing. Every year I say I'm not going to get it next year, but always end up giving in. I suppose it's better than getting the proper flu and ending up in a proper mess. I can't see school being too pleased if I miss yet more time off. But I think I'm keeping up pretty Ok considering everything that's happening.

James

Everything's kicking off with James again. He was in rehab for 6 weeks, but when he got out on weekend leave about 2 weeks ago he didn't bother going back. He's been drinking again since that and is going back down the falling to pieces route. On Tues Night he tried to hang himself and it went wrong, resulting in him breaking his shoulder. So mum's forced him to go back to rehab. He's never going to be able to hold down a job or anything in his current state, so how the hell would mum even contemplate going back to him is beyond me. In my honest opinion I don't think he's ever going to stop drinking, and mum would be better off just leaving him to it. But hey, I'm only a teenager. What does my opinion matter?

Chris is coming over this weekend, so I've got that to look forward to. Bless him, he's all excited.

Not dead

2010-10-16T22:47:00.001+01:00

Just quickie to say I haven't dropped off the face off the earth. I'm in hospital at the minute with asthma and don't have my laptop so using my phone.

Will update properly when I escape x

This sucks.

2010-10-08T02:24:00.003+01:00

Warning: Moan ahead.

I'm fed up. I'm fed up of asthma. I'm fed up of tummy problems. I'm fed up of the diabetes that isn't diabetes. It's pissing me off. It's 2.26am. I should be sleeping. I've got to be up for school in 5 hours, then get on a bus to Belfast in 12. I want to be normal and be able to sleep at normal times like normal people. Everything's so fucked up at the minute that I don't know what's actually normal in my life anymore. I've had 2 days off school this week because my chest's been so pissed with me that if I went in I would come out in an ambulance. I'm currently debating putting my pred up for a week and seeing if that helps. It's gotten to that stage. Fuck off Asthma.

In other news, Chris is coming over on Saturday :D It's gonna be a good weekend. I've missed him summat chronic. We're spending Saturday in Belfast and I'm going to take him to see Toy Story 3 and go for breakfast and stuff. I'm going up tomorrow to stay with Kathleen. That'll be interesting considering Kathleen is a chain smoker and has 5 cats. It's going to be a fun night. I'm gonna neb 3 hrly and just hope for the best to be honest. It'll be worth it though. Kathleen's my adopted grandmother and I haven't seen her for an age. It will be good to get properly caught up with her.

I'm now sitting playing Lego Harry Potter on my DS and wishing I could get to sleep. I think the best plan is to stay awake all night, then sleep on the bus to Belfast. We shall see how that plan works...

A Day in the Life of Me

2010-09-30T18:45:00.009+01:00

Well since I moved to Ireland, things are a bit different for me now. so I thought I would do another picture Day in the Life of me!

Morning Drugs! Takes me about 20mins to get everything done first thing in the morning. It's annoying, I could be having another 20mins in bed.

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for the win!

Clambering up the stairs to my classroom for registration. I'm about half way up here.

In art now. Supposed to be drawing this. It's not going very well.

Looking out my classroom window at lunch time. We've got a pretty good view over the town.

To Religion! Urgh, Religion bores me. I'm too outspoken for it.

Hometime! And the reminder that my room is a bombsite and needs tidied.

Took TJ down the fields for a bit for a walk. We've got a lot of sunflowers and stuff down the fields.

Homework list. It's silly. It's our parent teacher meeting tomorrow, so they seem to think it's OK to give us double homework for the weekend. Argggh.

My pile of homework set out on the table. Noooooooo!

Random PRN neb. Lungs decided to throw a strop. Grrr

Dinner = Noodles and Bacon. Bliss.

My bag wouldn't actually close today. I've burst the zip a few times already

Played with the dog for a bit. She's nuts lol.

Bedtime meds. My sugars are being grrrr today. That makes me grrrr!

And finally into bed. It's Midnight and I've just finished my homework. Well my maths and English. Argggh my head hurts!

Sleep time!

12 of 12

2010-09-19T15:53:00.003+01:00

Well, I spent the 12th of this month in Hospital. Faaaantastic! I don't know if I managed to get 12 pics, but I did take about 4 random ones haha.

The Cannula I had in the crease of my arm gave up at like 6am. Not fun. The tegaderm didn't agree with me.

They ended up cannulating the middle of my arm. It hurt!

They turned all the lights off and shut the curtains at about 3pm. CCU is great, the have Sony Bravia's hanging from the ceiling.

Then me and the nurses had chinese at 11pm! Fun times!

So yea, Ended up back in hospital. It's getting really fucking annoying now. I'm waiting on my appointment with my new consultant coming through, but it'll probably be after Christmas now because the waiting list is silly. This admission though about 3 other things went wrong, not just my chest. Which was really annoying. When I'm ill, my pottasium levels go low. As a result I was having Cardiac Arrythmias which means I was skipping heartbeats left, right and center and spent 3 days on Coronary Care and another 6 days with Cardiac Monitoring on. So not cool. Then on top of that I ended up with an obstructed bowel. The pain was just silly. I probably wouldn't have been in so long if it hadn't have been for that. So I've been sent home with Lactalose. Not good. Nasty stuff. Evil nasty horrible stuff. Constipated people don't give a shit.

In other news. James is in an alcoholic treatment center. To be honest I don't care. He's said he'd stop drinking so many times before, that until he's off it for at least 6 months and is making a proper effort to get his life back on track, I'm not going to get my hopes up. The scars just run too deep. He got himself arrested again before I went into hospital for drinking and driving, and should be in court tomorrow. But obviously he won't be. He got away very lightly. They aren't charging him for driving without a license, which at the minute he doesn't have because he got it taken off him about 3 years ago for exactly the same thing. Some people never learn. He's a dickhead, and the sooner mum realises that and tells him where to go the better.

I'm going back to school tomorrow. It should be interesting. I've got a shitload of work to catch up on, and my parent teacher meeting is in a few weeks. I'm screwed. I've only actually been in school for a week since the year began. I'm determined though I'm going to catch up. I like school, and they're making a huge effort to make things easier for me, so the least I can do is return the effort.

Anyway, until next time my friends!

Lesson for this week? Woks are Dangerous

2010-08-22T12:23:00.008+01:00

As the title says, My mammy learned the hard way last night that woks are dangerous. James was over last night (will explain all about what's going on with James and mum at another time, too long winded) and he had put the wok on the stove and forgot about it. Thus setting the wok on fire, making the kitchen roll catch fire. Mum grabbed both, dropped the kitchen roll in the hall making a hole in the hall floor and giving herself 2nd degree burns to her right hand in the process. Impressive? I thought so aswell. So there's now a massive burn mark in the hall lino that's been covered with a rug and smoke marks up the kitchen ceiling. Needless to say my lungs weren't impressed and I spent most of last night coughing. Rawr.

But I'm over in nanny's for the day so mum and James can spend some time together. Not only that but the house still smells of smoke and mum is going to have to spray a shit load of bleach spray to get rid of it and the marks that were left by the smoke on the cooker. But I got to take the quad bike out today for the first time sicne I crashed it over a year ago. I tried to get it up a steep hill and it didn't go well. I couped it and it started leaking petrol. Needless to say I nearly shite myself and had to run the 2k back to the house to get my uncle and other uncle to go rescue it. Nanny and Pappy are away this week so I took my oppurtunity and took it for a quick spin around some of the fields. It felt great to get that sense of freedom and power back. As you can see from the photo, the quad isn't just a little kids toy, it can hit about 40kph.

These are some pics of where I live. Most people can't believe I live in the arse end of nowhere and on a farm. He's your proof :P

You can't live on a farm without the obligatory tractor or pile of cow shite.

I think I've gotten used to being home now. I'm going to my old years Graduation Prom on Tuesday night. I can't fucking wait. Oooooh more gossip. Me and Chris are no more. His controlling behaviour just got too much and we're now officially over. It's weird. But I feel a lot better for it because it was just getting too much and now I don't have to worry about every little thing I do upsetting him. But now I can go to the debs with my best friend Laura, dance all night, not come home until 5am and have a fantastic night. It will be brilliant! :D

But this has been a silly long blog post, and I can't be arsed typing anymore. I'll do another post during the week maybe :)

Home.

2010-08-10T14:48:00.002+01:00

Well, I think the title says it all. I moved back home. It had been coming for a while, and I think I realised just what all had happened in the past year and realised what I'd lost. I've failed my GCSE's, my health's gone to shit, my house was in all honestly crap and I missed home. So I decided to leave. And once again being me, it was a quick decision. Was gone within a week. I really need to start thinking about things properly.

Getting home again was strange. It's weird going from having so much independance and being able to do whatever you want to living with parents again. But things have changed. Mum's a lot more understanding now of why I left, and has told me that she treated me like shit. And of course I broke down in tears at that. It's been a hard 10 years for both of us, but I think she's finally turning the corner and to be able to see my mum as happy as she is, is making me happy.

You would think getting home would sort my lungs out though? Right? Well ha. Pigs will fly. Was home 6 days and ended up in. But I didn't just do simple splatt that needs a few nebs and home. I did going to an MIU in Monaghan, then getting a doctor blue light transfer to Cavan Hospital, sitting in resus for 6 hours, transfer to ICU, Arterial Lines, CPAP and catheters. Then passing out when they brought the bloke who was the same age as James(who was in as well with withdrawals), in with the same thing and was in the same bay to ICU in cardiac arrest. Not fun. But hey. Home now. I'm on that many drugs now that I fecking rattle. But hey, thats part and parcel of having lung problems and there's people in worse states than me.

I'm gonna go have lunch now, so I'll come back to this another day :)

Sorry, What was that?

2010-07-01T16:48:00.003+01:00

Well, I found out this week that my hearing is going. Which at my age is pretty shit for want of a better word. I was in hospital last week (same old problem) and it was decided I need to go for a hearing test. So that's being booked. Loosing you're hearing at 18 is not something that should happen. But until my test comes through I'll not know how severe it is. I'm scared that I'm going to be deaf by the time I'm 30. I don't want to have to give up all my dreams because of yet another health problem. Bollocks to it all. Not only that, but I've been referred to see a councellor and am having my citalopram changed because my depression is out of control again. It never fecking ends.

Not a lot else is going on at the minute. Me and Chris are going to Ilfracombe on Monday for a few days, which should be good fun. We both need a holiday. The past 6 months for me have been a nightmare, and I can't imagine they've been very easy on Chris either. My poor boyfriend has seen me in ITU, sat crying in the corner of my room and has sat with me through every hospital admission, every resus visit and every clinic appointment.

I don't normally post summat like this, but to hell with it. My friend Rachael could really do with some prayers at the minute. She had a double lung transplant a few months ago, and has suffered complication after complication.

I'll probably not post until I get back on Friday, so until then, Toodles!

12 of 12 and an update.

2010-06-12T23:40:00.002+01:00

I get up late, and still find time to make my bed! Wooo go me!

Was on a Red Cross duty. It's Refugee Week and the British Red Cross were holding like a party thing in the park in town and we were asked to go keep an eye on things. This is the samba players plus our refugee co-ordinators.

3/4 times a day I have to check my blood sugar. Because I didn't realise when I was in DKA before, I have to be careful and check it regularily. My poor fingers are screwed.

This was on my list of things to do today, but never got done. My poor bedside table!

You know you're going mad when you start seeing Red Cross vans everywhere. This one was parked across my road delivering a whole load of stuff.

I'm doing like a photo challenge thing for a Sci-Fi Group I belong to. I was doing my chemistry revision and hadn't got a picture for 31, so thought why not gallium?!

Urgh, hate revision. Notice how the TV is on, I think I was watching it more than chemistry to be honest

Gt Chris some stuff to say thank you for what he's done for me lately. He's going to start his paramedic training soon so I thought the book would be a good idea, and he needed a new torch, so it's all good!

And then the voice started to go :( and so began my lurgy.

The drugs of a dozy asthmatic when she has the lurgy at night.

The temperature and peak flow. Considering I have the lurgy that's not a bad peak flow. Still pretty pants for me, but all good considering last time I had the lurgy I ended up in hospital with a severe chest infection.

And finally, My teddy! I can't go to sleep without him!

So what's been going on? Not an awful lot. In the middle of my exams, so when I'm not asleep because I feel like shit, I'm studying. Life of a student and all that. It could be worse, I could be doing A-Levels. Oh wait, that's next year. Asthma-Wise, Lungs reasonably behaving. I've got the cold so I don't think they're gonna be 100%, but a peak flow of about 350 isn't bad. The blood sugars are being quite stable aswell so it looks as if things are finally on the up on that side. But we'll see what happens!

Vicky x

Day in the life of Me

2010-06-03T23:59:00.003+01:00

I thought I'd give you a day in the life of me blog, because I've got nothing better to blog about and I thought it may be remotely interesting haha. I'll do it on a typical Wednesday and will put as much detail and humour into it as I can :P

0715 - Alarm goes off. Alarm gets thrown at wall. It's one of those fantastic alarms that gets thrown at the wall to shut it up. Whoever invented them needs Knighted.
0730 - Roll out of bed and wander to the bathroom. I generally end up falling over something on the way.
0735 - Drugs time! In the morning I take: Prednisolone, Aminophylline, Citalopram, Fexofenadine, Lansoprazole, Calceos, Nasonex and my eye drops go in. I then take my Symbicort, Atrovent and Ventolin. I check my blood sugars and depending on what they're like decides whether or not I need to go have some coke. I'll check my peak flow and hope that it's high enough for me to ignore my asthma for a few hours. It generally isn't.
0740 - Get dressed and find college books. Generally easier said than done in my bedroom.
0745 - Go downstairs and have a bowl of cereal (BM depending, may end up being toast or nothing) and then run back upstairs to brush teeth.
0755 - Grab headphones, college ID and rucksack and run for the bus. Never a good start when you open the door and see the bus at the bus stop. Ruuuuuun!
0830 - Get to college and collapse in a heap in the medical room for 10mins to recover from your manic adventure to college.
0840 - 1230 - Lessons. God bless Wednesdays, I finish at lunchtime. Makes life so much easier.
1300 - Get home and do BM again. Fingers getting a bit sore by now, but hey, sooner or later they'll just become numb and won't be bothered by all the stabbings. I'll generally do a bit of revision for a few hours then play on my Wii. I do get bored though so going to sleep happens too.
1730 - Make some food. Generally pasta is a good start if I'm only cooking for me.
1800 - Go back upstairs and study a bit more or play my xbox this time. More than likely the xbox will win.
1900 - Time to leave for Red Cross. This will generally involve me treating some "casualty" they've made up for us. Borrrring.
2200 - Get home and clamber into bed. Try and find drugs on bedside table, check BM and peak flow and collapse in a heap

Intensive Care Unit.

2010-05-22T22:32:00.003+01:00

I don't think I could ever experience what has happened in the past few days again without completely going mad.

After my post on Thursday night my chest started getting quite bad and I didn't feel quite right, so I got one of my housemates to call an ambulance. I wasn't overly bad when the ambulance got there, but they know me and know I can go downhill quite quickly so took me in and took me to resus. When I got to resus I had lots of nebs, o2 and some hydrocortasone. They moved me to a ward pretty quickly which was quite good. I had declined an ABG in resus because I didn't think I was bad enough, but when I got up to ACB they had to call the ITU team because my HR, Resp Rate and Blood Sugar levels were really dodgey and they decided that I needed an ABG, so after a hell of a lot of persuasion I let them have one. But noooo, one wasn't enough. They wanted 3. So after a lot, and I mean a lot of persuasion, I let them have their 3. It was then decided my lactate levels were too high, my pottasium was too low and a lot of other things were dodgey. So they moved me to ITU. And I'm not joking, it was one of 'Thee' worse nights of my life so far. They had me catheterised, put an arterial line in and had fook knows how many lines going in and out. I think I had about 6 things going in and out of me. I know it's not a lot to some people, but to someone who has never been in ITU before it was absolutely terrifying. There was people around me ventilated and everything and here was little old me wondering what the hell was going on.

In the end they got everything sorted. I was on an insulin drip for 3 days because my sugars were all over the shop. They said I was in DKA because of the steroids I'm on and things, so I need to see the diabetic nurses on Monday so they can decide what to do from there. But for now I'm still stuck on the ward. I do know something though, I never, ever want to have to go through that again. I'm really going to make an effort to sort my diet out and what not, because that can't have helped matters. I made Emma a promise when she sat with me in ITU, that I would try and sort my life out, and I plan on doing that.

But for now, it's another hospital visit. I so can't wait to see my discharge letter haha.

12 of 12 (very late anyway)

2010-05-20T08:06:00.006+01:00

Breakfast! A ham and cheese toastie!

Woo! A B on my Biology Mock! Happy Days!

Chris got me a Mr Bump mousemat for passing my mocks, So I drew a neb mask on him haha.

Dinner! God Bless Pot Noodles!

My Room's an absolute bombsite at the minute. It's not good

Building the new red cross flag. "Where does this bit go?!"

Major Incident? Nope, We're cleaning!

Playing about with my cameras settings

Chemistry Revision! Urgh!

Being very sad and taking pictures of ambulances!

Playing with Arpeture and Macro!

Bedtime!

Catching up on lost time

2010-05-03T21:46:00.004+01:00

Apologies for being such a bad blogger, been absolutely hectic these past few weeks.

The last post I made was from Costa Del NHS at the end of March. I was in for just over a week that time. They transferred me to the other hospital in Leicester because they didn't know what to do with me anymore, so I ended up there for a few days. It wasn't too bad this time, apart from the woman beside me who snored for England. I ended up going walkabout at silly o'clock again just to get away from her. It's all good though, and the lungs are really behaving at the minute. I've managed to reduce my prednisolone down to 10mg which is the lowest I've ever had it, so I'm well chuffed. I've managed well over a month out of hospital now, so we'll see how it goes. If I end up back in before Glastonbudget then my Senior Services manager at Red Cross won't let me go and I won't be a happy bunny. He's already really suspicious of me going on big duties. Mind you, yesterday he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It embarrassed me enough to make me go bright red, and that doesn't happen often!

In other news! Me and Chris have been going out 6 months now! It's a big deal because it's the longest relationship I've ever been in. It's his 22nd Birthday next week, and we're going to Legoland on Saturday. I got him some lego, a photo of us both and some syringe pen things for his birthday. He knows about the lego, but doesn't know about the rest, so I'm looking forward to him opening it. Bless, he deserves more, but I can't afford it. I may buy him something when my EMA bonus comes through in July or something before Glastonbudget. We'll see.

I was at a big Red Cross duty in Peterborough yesterday. Truckfest. It was boring as hell, but it was a good chance to take some pics with my new camera. There's some pics on my Facebook page, but some of them are from other times, I've labelled them from when they are so you shouldn't get too lost :)

Anyway, I've got to go to bed now, I'm up early for college in the morning. Laters!

Costa Del NHS

2010-03-31T07:25:00.002+01:00

Well once again, the Costa del NHS is my home. It's beginning to take the piss a bit don't you think? I wasn't feeling too shit when I came in, but quite quickly went downhill which scared a few people. Middle of the night on a Sunday night and I'm sat being reviewed by Intensive Care. Not fun. Let's just say that's the last time I ever let anyone near me with an ABG again.

I'm starting to get really fed up with all of these admissions. This is my 5th since November and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. If anything it's getting worse. And what's even more annoying is my consultant doesn't seem to be doing an awful lot to try and keep me out. All they want is "more breathing tests" but it's gotten to the stage now where the Respiratory Techs won't do the tests because I'm so unstable. That tell you anything?

I'm absolutely knackered both physically and mentally and don't know how much more of this shite I can take.

Nothing much to post!

2010-03-19T02:11:00.004Z

For once things are reasonably quiet in my life! Asthma's semi behaving, leg's fucked, but nothing new there, things with Chris are going well and I'm getting on reasonably well at college!

Got clinic in a few weeks, with Lung Function twice before then. Joyous. We looove the lung function! Bought some socks today! I bought a pack of them a couple of weeks ago and loved them so much I had to have more lol. They're really warm so they're fantastic for going on duties and whatnot. Speaking of which I'm going on duty on Sunday :D Yaaay! It's a kiddies rugby festival so it'll be lots of TLC and "There there's". But it comes with the teritory!

I know that was a rubbish blog post, but just this once I'm a happy enough camper! I'll stick a photo or two in just to liven it up a bit lol.

Me and the Sugababes!

My Doggy!

Until next time dudes!

Rachy needs your thoughts

2010-03-12T21:16:00.002Z

My good friend Rachael Wakefield got her lung transplant on Wednesday. She got off the ventilator today but had to go back on it again. She needs your thoughts more than ever at the minute

Keep strong Rach, we're all behind you xx

Keeping up Appearances

2010-03-09T21:39:00.004Z

I'm a bad blogger. *Slaps Wrists* Since my last blog not a lot has happened. I've managed to get properly back to college. I've had a clinic appointment and even tidied my room along the way, although it didn't stay like that. Oh and me and Chris went to Torquay for the weekend!

I'm well pleased at being able to get back to college. I've managed two full days at college so far this week and I would love to manage a full week, it would be the first completely full week I've managed since September. I do enjoy college though, so I'm happy enough.

Clinic was interesting... Let's just say I'm not entirely sure what the hospitals long term plan is. They seem to think I'll get Xolair but my levels aren't right apparently and because they can't get a decent skin prick result off me because of my anti-depressants, we'll see what happens. It's not something that's going to happen overnight anyway because a lot of things need checked. i.e my compliance with meds.

Torquay was good fun. I really needed a weekend away and I got to spend some proper time with Chris and we got to sort a lot of things out. I came back a lot more chilled and so did he. We both really needed it. The hotel was really nice and wasn't very expensive so I'm pleased! It had a heated indoor pool, gym and the room was really nice. It was all good fun and I'm happy enough.

And even better is my lungs are semi behaving! I got a peak flow of 400 this morning! It's all good!

Out of the Zoological Society of UHL

2010-02-23T00:06:00.007Z

Well, they moved me to the other hospital. And low and behold I splatted on the way. I told them. I told them I don't like being moved when I'm unstable, but hey. What do I know? They're only my lungs after all. I'm not very happy with the way I was treated this time. They kept me there a lot longer than I needed to be. I'm the first person to admit when I need to be in hospital, but this time there was just no need. To be honest I think it's about time I argued my case for home nebs. Because this is getting ridiculous. Had I have had home nebs I would've been home a long time ago. They also said on my discharge letter that I discharged myself, was admitted because of "Foolish Behaviour" and went "Against Medical Advice" so I'm going to be having major words with my consultant about how his junior doctors write their damned discharge letters.

I think this time I've learnt a lot about how I need to speak to doctors. Normally I'm quite "Well if you say so" but from now on I'm going to have to start being more assertive. Nothing will ever get done if I sit back and say "Well if you say so" which was part of the reason I was in for 15 days. It's not fun. Specially when you're on a ward with a woman whose NIV makes farting noises and keeps you up all night so you don't get a proper nights sleep for 4 days. How they expect you to rest is beyond me.

I'm starting to accept my asthma is more severe than it was this time last year. I've gone from having a peak flow averaging around 500 to getting at the highest 400 and that was on an altered peak flow meter so I could get out of hospital. I don't want to admit it but I'm going to have to start making a few changes to my lifestyle. I won't be able to go on Red Cross duties where I know I'm going to be sitting outside all day, I won't be able to go running as much as I might like. Although when I get a bit more money I'm tempted to join the gym because at least then I'm not running in the cold. The question now is though, where do I go from here? They're talking about a trial drug called Xolair which is something they're looking to see if I'm eligable for. Also I think until I get Xolair, home nebs is something I'm going to have to push for because an admission a month just isn't fair. Prof has suggested it, but I don't think he's very keen. But we'll see, I'm in clinic on Monday. Even if it's only a temporary thing until he gets me under control again.

Anyway, I'll leave you with a few pics of me and the drugs I take on a day to day basis etc.

Even in hospital I manage a smile :)

Sats and heartrate where playing silly buggers on 10L. We weren't amused.

Daily Drugs of an Asthmatic

Hospital

2010-02-11T19:17:00.002Z

Well, it didn't last. My good lung streak finally came to an end and I type this from my hospital bed a very unhappy girl. Had the attack last friday and am still in with no hope of home until at least Saturday. Getting a bit bored of all of this now. I may do 12 of 12 tomorrow of a day in the life of a hospital patient lol. That's if I manage to stay awake all day. Right now sleeping is always seeming to be the best plan.

Oh god, the woman next to me has gone off on one. She's a detoxing alcoholic and given my past I'm a bit weary of having her around. She was that bad last night they had security in here holding her down most of the night. It freaked me out.

I'm a bit pissed off, they don't seem to be doing a lot to get me better. I seem to be as good as I was about 4 days ago when I had that bad attack. But I don't really have very good sats on oxygen so they don't really know where to go from here. They want to transfer me to another hospital but they don't really know whether I'd end up in a worse state when I arrived as a pose to when I left so they're not exactly very willing to transfer me atm. Spec because I'm needing so much oxygen to keep my sats up. It's well annoying, but we'll see what the doctors have to say in the morning when I see them.

2010-02-01T22:50:00.010Z

Well, Yesterday was my one year of living in England mark. I was ok all day, because I spent it with Chris and we went for sunday lunch and went bowling and stuff, but in typical Vicky fashion the nights got to me the most and I ended up in a heap last night sobbing to Chris. I am more upset at my family not caring to be honest. Not once since my last admission has my mum rang to see how I am or anything. It's annoying and it's not making me a very nice person because I'm constantly thinking about it, and as a result I'm being a cow to Chris and he doesn't deserve it.

I'm in the middle of my mocks in college. It's a nightmare. Because I've missed so much time I'm struggling to learn everything. I had chemistry today. It was fine up until the last question which was the bit I hadn't had a chance to look over, so whether or not I've passed it is another story. I've biology tomorrow and I'm feeling reasonably confident about that. I've been doing a lot of revision for it so hopefully I'm not completely screwed.

Anyway, this is like a day in the life thing. I thought it would be a good idea to show you what I get up to on a day to day basis.

Morning drugs! Don't say it's too dark, it was 7am. I was half asleep lol

Biology Revision in college. I was the last one to leave the library lol

What we were doing in chemistry today after our mock lol. Needless to say the lungs didn't agree, but it was pretty to look at!

Dinner! Spaghetti Hoops on Toast! Fantastic food!

Brain food, and brain mush. All in one.

Bought a new puffapouch for my inhaler today!

My pile of washing is getting a bit silly now...

Chris bought me a load of stuff from Paperchase today, and I bought a new wallet because my old one just was going to give up on me at any moment. But £12.12 for all the stationary wasn't bad!

My drugs drawer! There's no atrovent or ventolin in there at the minute, that's in my college rucksack. I take every one of those drugs every day, except for the random amoxicillian.

And finally into my bed!

2009 in a nutshell

2010-01-29T04:22:00.005Z

Well, Seeing as I've been a rubbish blogger and really can't be arsed doing a big feck off blogpost, I thought I'd do like an in a nutshell thing of 2009!

January
I had the row with James that changed everything, and moved to England on the 31st January 2009!
February
I started learning how to do things reasonably for myself. I still had Emma and Alison to help, but I did some of it on my own. I got the income support and stuff started. Don died so I had to go back to Ireland for a few days.
March
Went back to Ireland for a few days to see family.
September *done a skip, not much happened for 6 months! :P*
My 18th! And I started college again. I went back to Ireland for a few days after my 18th and started my GCSE course at college.
October
Moved into my own place! Started going out with Chris and learned how to use a washing machine!
November
Ended up in hospital with my asthma. Everything started going downhill with college attendance.
December
Christmas! Ended up in hospital again a few days before I went to Ireland which was annoying. Went back to Ireland and learned exactly why I left. Stupid stepdad ruining everything.
January
Backk from Ireland for 4 days, and yep you guessed it, back in hospital. But this time in a different one, so was seen by a reasonable doctor and managed to snag a side room. Result! Started being seen by a specialist center and things have started looking up on the asthma front. Had my first huge money worry when I didn't have enough money to pay my rent, but got that sorted!

I think in the past year I've changed a lot. I have had to learn to do a lot for myself and I think it's made me a much more mature person than I was. I've started to learn when I need to ask for help which is a huge deal for me. Getting a proper boyfriend and making the relationship last more than a week was a big deal for me aswell. Chris is fantastic and I wouldn't have been able to do the past few months without him. The past 12 months has taught me that I need my friends more than I thought. Because sometimes your family can let you down. It's when that happens that your true friends show who they are, and for the people that have stuck by me, I'll never forget you.

Long time no blog.

2009-12-04T04:39:00.003Z

Today is now Friday. In my eyes it's still Thursday. Does that give you some kind of indication just how screwed up my sleep patterns are? I'm meant to be in college in 4 hours. I think the term is "I'm Screwed." Just thought that would make for an interesting start!

It's been a bit of a shit November. I know I posted on the 20th, but it was a bit of a rubbish post if I'm honest, so I'd better fill people in on what's actually happening in my life. In a month I left where I was living, moved into a house with 5 other people, been in hospital with my asthma and been faced with a disciplinery in college. It's all going a bit pear shaped at the minute!

First of all, Moving out! Well the fight that had been coming between me and Emz finally happened. I think it had been coming for a while. It just wasn't meant to work out I don't think. Me and her mum were never going to see eye to eye. I got major pissed off though when her mum accused me of breaking her laptop. I nearly screamed at her. So the outcome of that one was that my grandparents bought her another one. But I moved into a big house with 5 other people. My room's quite small, but I like it. It's a nightmare to keep tidy though lol and I'm having to learn how to use a washing machine which is always fun considering I've done my own washing about 4 times in my life. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely I'm learning that I'm not as immature as people see me.

So yea, hospital lol. I think it had been building up, and I probably should've gone in sooner, because my sats were to be honest, shit lol. They did two Arterial Blood Gases, which incase you don't know, hurt like hell. They left me with the worlds most impressive bruises. I stayed in for 2 nights and then got home. I wasn't very happy though that I wasn't able to bounce straight back to doing everything that I wanted to, i.e college. I see Emz and wonder why I can't do what she does and just go straight back to full health after being in hospital. It's shit, and it took a lot for me to just sit in bed and rest. Anyone that knows me knows how hard it is for me to be calm. Having to ask for help was a fucking nightmare for me, and I plan on not having to do it again.

This week has been a bit shit. My asthma was playing havoc for 2 days, so was off college. Went in on wednesday then on Wednesday night/Thursday morning started vomiting so was off Thursday. Today is going to be fun considering I've had no sleep. I've got a meeting tomorrow night with the youth club I volunteer at then I'm coming home and going to bed. I'm on duty on Saturday, at a Christmas meal on Sat Night, then on duty again on Sunday morning, so it's going to be a fun weekend!

It's all good though, because my dearest boyfriend is going to be there! :D

2009-11-20T01:45:00.001Z

Since my last post over a month ago, a lot has happened. I've got a boyfriend, I've been in hospital with my asthma, I've moved out and my family life has gone to hell. I wrote my friend a letter tonight that I think sums up what's going on pretty well in my life.

Hey,

I just wanted to send you a pm to say Hi :) I needed a bit of a rant and you understand better than anyone at Red Cross why I'm ranting because you're kinda in the same situation as me.

Getting out of hospital on Wednesday and going straight to red cross wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I wanted to get back to normality. I don't like sitting around when there's so much stuff I can be doing with my life. I didn't want to miss the assessments last night because of my stupid asthma. But of course I ended up putting myself at risk, and part of the reason Terry snapped at Chris was because he didn't think I was ready to be there and I was. And looking back I suppose I wasn't ready. I should've been at home sleeping. Was I wrong to want to get back to normality so soon, or should I have left it a bit longer? I learnt tonight that I don't spring back as quick as I used to.It used to be I'd have an attack l one day and be a hell of a lot better the next, but it's not like that anymore. I couldn't even get up my own stairs tonight without nearly collapsing in a heap at the top.

I know different people take different times to recover from attacks, but in your eyes do you think I should've been at Red Cross last night? I've now put Chris in the position where he wants to leave Red cross and I really don't want that to happen for my sake or his.

Sorry for offloading on you, don't feel completely obliged to reply, it was good to have a rant :)

Thanks,

Vicky x

Chris wants to take care of me, that's all fine and well for someone who wants to be taken care of, but I'm 18 for christs sake! I want to go to college and run up stairs and go and get smashed at the weekend, but I can't! I know I can't, because I went for a walk around the park tonight with him and came home and felt like shit. It's annoying and I hate it. I know full well I'm not the worst person with asthma, and I know I'm pretty damned lucky. But I see how my friends bounce back from attacks, and I want to be able to do that. It's shit. And I hate it.

Shameful

2009-10-22T13:02:00.004+01:00

I know, I know. I'm a disgrace. But I do have a half decent excuse, honest! I think I've got about 3 big things to tell you all about!

1) I've got a boyfriend! His name's Chris and he's 21. He goes to the Red Cross with me, and is training to be a paramedic. Which made last night interesting when my chest went to hell and he attacked me with his steth and sats monitor. I wasn't impressed. But I really like him, and would love to make it last with him. I don't think he realises just how much he means to me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

2) I've got a proper job! I am now a McDonalds employee. Only a student can get away with that really. I'm not sure whether I like it or not yet. I can't really keep up with it. I was on drinks last Sat. In the busiest McDonalds in town on half term, it made for an interesting day... But I'm on 9-6 on Saturday, so we shall see.

3) I passed all my first aid assessments! I'm now a qualified first aider! I got my kit last night and my ID card came in the post this week, so I'm well chuffed. I'm going on my first duty as a qualified person on Sunday, which I'm really looking forward to. It should be good!

I don't think I've any other major news. I was in London on Tuesday for Asthma UK's youth conference which was great fun. It was held in the Houses of Parliament and it was good fun. I'm going back on Tuesday coming for a Question Time with the Prime Minister which should be good fun!

Anyway, I need to do some college work, laters!

National Express

2009-09-29T19:45:00.002+01:00

Well, I'm 18 now! Yaaaay! I know I've been uber rubbish at updating my blog, but I do have a good excuse, honest!

College has been taking up a large amount of my time. I'm generally in from about 9-4 every day and then once I get home just want to flump down and go to sleep haha. But it's good fun and I'm kind of beginning to enjoy it.

I was in Ireland for a few days just after my birthday and only got back this morning. I spent about 12 hours on a coach in the past 24hours. I left Belfast at about 5ish yesterday and got into Leciester at about 7ish this morning. It was a long journey, made worse by the fact that the bloke in the seat in front of me was pissed and flirting with the 17yo beside him. Fun times. Not. But Ireland was good fun. I went and got completely plastered with my friend and went clothes shopping with my mum, so all was good! I got a lot of new clothes, so much so I had to take a bigger suitcase home with me. It was annoying though because the damned wheels died just as I was getting on the coach in Belfast, then the handle died in Birmingham. Not cool. I was most unimpressed. So I gave up and got a taxi home. It cost me a tenner but it was worth it instead of having to try and lug that damned thing through town and from the bus stop. I got home eventually though and went straight to sleep!

I can't really remember a lot of Ireland, and it wasn't because I was drunk. I honestly don't know what happened. It's wierd. I know I spent Thurs and Sunday night with dad, Sat night with mum when I got back from town and Friday night with Nanny. It was good fun and I did have a fabby time, what I remember of it. I got a few presents aswell which was good. I got some clothes, a locket from mum, money, gift vouchers, a picture of me and mum in a frame and a digital photo frame which is currently showing my "We Must Take Our Tablets Or We Will Go Mad" picture. It's all good fun!

I'm gonna go watch telly now, laters! x

New URL

2009-09-15T22:35:00.002+01:00

I've had to change my URL because I was scared of Joan finding it. I don't really want her to see some of the stuff that's going on because she'd get uber worried.

I'm having a bit of a low. It's shit, I've been having a really good day and now just can't be arsed. I've got college in the morning and I'm really dreading it. I'm having serious problems re-adjusting to the whole college thing. Last time I was in school I knew everyone, had friends and knew my way around the place. I'm in a brand new college and know nobody. It's shit.

I'm going to Ireland though, so it's all good.

College

2009-09-08T21:47:00.003+01:00

I've started back at college! It's a bit mad. It's been 7 months since I did any kind of school work, and to be thrown straight back in is a bit scary. It's all good though, it gives me something to do. Even if it does exhaust me!

I'm going to Ireland! I'm going to have to get the coach, which only requires photo ID. So I can use my old passport and my college ID! It's going to take 12hours. It's a nightmare. Dearbhla is flying. It's going to take her 55 minutes. >.< That'll teach me to loose my passport!

On another note, Adori Graphics (who fabulously designed my blog) is giving away a free giveaway! It's for a rotating header and it looks fantastic! Pop over to her blog at adorigraphics.blogspot.com!

Lost

2009-08-30T12:59:00.002+01:00

I've lost my bloody passport! I'm going to Ireland in 3 weeks and I cna't find my fucking passport. How annoying is that?! I'm gonna ring First Bus first thing in the morning and see if anyone handed it in. Then if not I need to e-mail Red Cross and see if I left it there, and as a last resort I need to ring the Police and report it missing. So uncool.

In other news, I've got a job! It's only McDonalds, but seeing as it's the middle of a recession and it's a bloody nightmare to find a job at the minute, this is very good! It's a Saturday and Sunday job, and I've got my Welcome meeting on the 9th September. I'm going to be stupidly busy the next few weeks. I've got a lot of Red Cross stuff on, Work, Ireland and Diving. Madness!

Anyway, I can't be arsed to type anymore!

Toodles!

Looking Up

2009-08-15T00:09:00.003+01:00

Things are finally starting to look up. I think I've managed to get my depression under control, cause I'm not as down all the time or suicidal as I was. I can get out of bed in the morning and not wonder why I bother. This is good :) And I like it. I've found a flat I like aswell and I'm going to go speak to connexions on Monday and see what they say! I'm starting college in September and stuff, so I'll have stuff to do again. I'm really looking forward to it, I've missed school!

It's Dearbhla's birthday on Friday, I can't wait. I'm probably more excited about it than she is lol. She's at camp this week, so I've had time to sort everything out. It's all good! I'm looking forward to it all, it should be good fun! We're going back to Ireland in September, and I can't wait. I can't wait to see my mates and family. I miss them loads, and am quite homesick at the minute, spec for my friends. I think it's because they're all starting 6th year in September and I'm not. I'm hopefully going to be home for their last day though, it would mean a lot if I could get home for it!

Anyways, I'm off to sleep! Night!

6 months

2009-07-31T22:16:00.002+01:00

Today is my 6month living in England. And I don't know what I feel about it. I want to be home again. I don't want to be the girl that had to move to another country because her family deserted her. I just want to be normal. I want my mum to be there for me, and give me a hug when I need her. And not have to rely on friends to do the things my mum should've. It's not fair. I just want everything to be normal again.

I miss my mum, TJ, Nanny, Pappy and friends. I miss getting up in the morning and going to school. I want to start 6th year, and graduate with all my friends. Instead of constantly changing schools because of stupid family life. I miss home.

London

2009-07-20T22:46:00.005+01:00

Have I ever said how much I hate London? Well, I despise it. It's full of smelly, germ infested streets and people running around in masks for fear of someone coming 2inches in front of them and sneezing, thus giving them the dreaded Pig Flu. Oink. I'm probably going to get swine flu, but hey ho. I'll tell my room-mate, and make her get tami flu, but nobody else is knowing. Foster Mum will run around the house in a bio hazard suit pumping out paracetamol through a air rifle. And besides, I already demonstrate 4 of the symptoms. I sneeze, cough, get headaches and muscle aches. So feck them.

Anyway, I was in London today for a meeting with the Department of Health. It was one of those things that drives you insane, but doing it makes you feel good, because if there's a chance you can help your friends then you'll do anything. Which is the reason behind my staying up half the night last week trying to read the documents I was sent. It was tedious. The morning was spent with AUK reading over it, then the afternoon was spent with the Dept of Health reading it again. I think the DOH one was easier to sit through. They made more sense and didn't spend half an hour argueing over whether nebs* where better than pMDI's**. It was all good though. I learnt a fair bit, and met some people who are quite influencial in the health system which was quite cool. It was one of those days that you don't know whether it was boring or not haha.

On the way home I stopped into a friends for the day, and had a laugh with her for a few hours which was good fun. She's one of my best mates, and I've only known her for a month haha. Anyway, I'll leave you with a picture of what I saw on the way home. As Mish says, Cannibal Lector!

* Neb - A machine that gives medication via a mask/mouthpiece as a mist for you to inhaler. Generally used in hospitals.
**pMDI - Pressured Metered Dose Inhaler - Standard "blue inhaler"

New Blog

2009-07-16T12:14:00.003+01:00

Isn't it wicked? Adori Graphics did it for me, the link's at the bottom of the page. It's well good!

In other news, dad's been over since Monday, and went home at about 5ish this morning. It was great having him over. We did some wicked stuff together, and with Dearbhla. the first night he was here, we went and had a few games of pool, then came back and had pizza with Sinead and Dearbhla. I don't think I've ever seen Dearbhla stop eating before then. The next day we were at a complete loss as to what to do, so went to Twycross. It was brilliant, there was looaaaads of monkies, which are my favourite animal ever! That evening Dearbhla had St John, so me and dad went to Asda to get some food and walked around the highcross and then picked her up. The next day me and dad went bowling, then I had Red Cross which was fun. Dad picked me up and took me, Sinead and Dearbhla to see Harry Potter which was well good.

I love seeing dad. I see him maybe once a month, sometimes longer or shorter. Just depends really. I'l not see him again until September now which is a bit rubbish, but it's something to look forward to!

Sprains, Slings and Stings

2009-07-11T22:22:00.003+01:00

I completed my Basic First Aid course today! I've now got a first aid qualification! It was a really boring day, but I managed to brush up on everything I'd forgotten since I last did FA. It was fun, I must've gotten put in the recovery position about 8 times because my partner couldn't get it right. It was well funny. I did about 20 bandages on heads, arms, legs and god knows what else. I did slings aswell, which was funny. I had to do it on the instructor and completely forgot how to do it.

Dad's coming this week, I can't wait. I don't know what I'm doing with him yet, but I want to go see Harry Potter! Dearbhla's friend Sinead is coming to stay for the week, she had problems with university accomodation. But Joan and Derek are going away on holidays this week, so it won't be as cramped. I'll be in the attic, Dearbhla and Sinead in our room and Dad in Joes room. So it won't be too bad.

It's all good fun though.

Dentist

2009-07-01T13:11:00.005+01:00

I surived the dentist, and the dentist surived me! For me, that's a huge deal, and I'm really proud of myself. Normally I'd completely freak at the dentist. My GP had given me 4mg of diazepam, but it didn't really help, so I was kind of doing it all on my own. I don't really like my dentist. He kept me waiting for 45 minutes. Leaving a phobic patient in the waiting room that long is not a good idea. I was going insane and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I did cry a bit, but I don't care, because I didn't punch/bite or verbally abuse my dentist. Which was something I normally do. But I didn't, so Go me!

I think I might go buy myself a new pair of combat 3/4 lengths tomorrow as a present to myself for surviving the dentist lol. Hmmm....

Day in the life of lost-soul

2009-06-28T04:09:00.004+01:00

Ok, because I don't have times for doing anything, I'll take this Weds because I know kinda what I have to do.

9.30 - Get up and look around and see if Dearbhla is up yet
09.35 - Take meds, go to toilet and tooter downstairs for some breakfast
10.00 - Brush teeth, have a wash and get dressed
11.15 - Go on laptop for a bit
12.00 - Dentist for filling. Cue huge panic.
1.00 - Come home and sleep sedation off.
3.00 - Get out of bed and ring the bank.
3.15 - Moan at Alison about how useless the banks are
3.30 - Go on laptop for another while/collect George
4.00 - Watch TV with the kids for a bit
5.00 - Dinner time!
5.30 - Go back on laptop for another while.
6.30 - Leave for RC!
10.00 - Arrive home, flop in bed with laptop and fall asleep watching House.

My life revolves around laptop :P

Good Impressions

2009-06-28T03:12:00.002+01:00

Finally! Things are looking ever so slightly better. I started Red Cross this week, and I honestly don't know why I didn't do it sooner, because I love it, and have already made friends. Then through it I joined Starbase Leicester, which is for nerds and geeks that like sci fi stuff! It's wicked! I've made friends, that accept me for who I am, and I get on really well with. It's brilliant! I'm :D for the first time in ages! They don't care that I'm insane, and that I love being insane, because they're all mad aswell!

:D I'm so hyper I can't sleep!

Bad impression

2009-06-21T22:50:00.002+01:00

I've blown it. My few days with Nanny. Supposidely stress free, blown. James, Mum and TJ came up. And me and James in the same room was never going to work. He had a go at me. "You've torn your mum apart, don't you dare ever come back." That started it. I was already worried about him coming down. It's never going to end. Then Nanny, Pappy and me went out for dinner for fathers day. Even on the way into town I was getting chastised. Being told I'd be lucky to finish college never mind get into university. That I'd no sense and I should've just stayed in Monaghan. That I'd upset my mum more than I'd ever know, and she'd permantly be torn apart.

I've had enough. I can't be bothered with this anymore. I want to go home and never come back. It's obvious I'm not worth it.

Intelligent conversation

2009-06-19T22:10:00.003+01:00

You wake up in the morning, and you wonder what time it is. Whether you've over slept again. But just for once, You're happy you're getting out of bed. That's how I felt this morning. I really overslept, but I didn't care. I was happy because I was with my dad. For the first time in absolutely ages I was happy to be alive. To be getting out of bed. It's good, I like it.

I've been doing a lot of talking with dad when I've been over. We've been talking about depression, a fight I had with Dearbhla, his depression and everything in between. He's so much better than any councellor, because he's been through depression, and knows how I feel. So you can actually have an intelligent conversation with him. He gives me advice and stuff, and knows what he's talking about. I love him to bits, I really do.

I'm going to Monaghan tomorrow. I'm gonna be staying with my nanny. I saw her a few weeks ago, which was quite cool, so I'll have seen her twice in as many weeks. I'm just waiting to hear from her what she's doing, because she only gets back from Canada tomorrow afternoon, I've asked her to collect me from the bus tomorrow at about 5.30pm, so she's time to get some sleep and stuff. It's all good.

We'll see how the trip home goes...

Mixed Emotions

2009-06-15T22:51:00.003+01:00

It's been a bit of a strange day. I was having a really good day, up until about 5PM, when I found out someone in my year had a stroke and died. I cant' believe it, she was my age. she was out with friends last night, and had a stroke. Got sent to Cavan Intensive care, had another one and was declared Brain Dead. Her family had to turn off her ventilator. I don't know how I would be able to do that. It would be the worst thing in the world. She was 17. She should've been getting ready to start her Leaving Cert, going out with friends, getting laid dammit! Not having a stroke! It's not fair. As House says "Life shouldn't be random. Drug addicted old men should be dying in bus crashes, not young do gooders in love." And he's totally right. It's not fair.

In other news, I'm heading back to Ireland tomorrow. I'm not sure what I think of it. I know it will be good for Dearbhla to have some space for a week, but going home is hard. It's bringing up all the emotions I've been trying to put to the back of my head. Everything that happened just gets brought back to the front of my head. I get worse flashbacks, nightmares and everything just gets multiplied by about 10. It's hard. I know I have to go home though, because I can't keep running from everything for the rest of my life. I've booked flights for me and Dearbhla to go home in September for my birthday. Going home for a good time hopefully, if nothing happens that is.

I just found out one of my best mates boyfriends wants to admit himself to a pysch hospital. I'm really worried about him, as much as he does my head in, he's still a really nice bloke, and doesn't deserve half the stuff that has happened to him.

Hope he's OK.

Small steps

2009-06-14T23:11:00.004+01:00

I'm gonna do a positive post, because the last few posts have been really downbeat.

Today I went into town. I had to go to Curry's to get my laptop fixed and get dads fathers day present. Curry's told me they would re-install it and that should sort it out. OK, so get home, OK, play with it a bit, and it crashes. Shit. Tomorrow I'm dragging Dearbhla into town with me and I'm getting this damned thing either fixed or replaced. Because I don't wanna be taking a doody laptop home with me. Although, I may get dad to have a look at it if it doesn't get sorted tomorrow.

I got dad one of the old Dr Who DVD's. One of the Tom Baker era ones, and a really nice card, so it's all good. He's done a lot for me in the past year and I don't know what I would've done without him. I'm now broke, but he deserves it.

Me and Dearbhla had a really good afternoon. We were throwing Jelly Beans and Haribo's at each other and seeing who could catch them in our mouths. It was great, I was actually really happy and we were both in stitches laughing. I love Dearbhla for that, she's great at making me laugh.

So a good day all in all :)

Dealing with it all.

2009-06-14T03:50:00.003+01:00

It’s 03.24. I’m starting to feel a little better. I’m not just as suicidal. My thoughts of SH have passed, I’ve spent basically all day watching House. Literally. I’ve watched an entire season in a day. My mates have seen a happy cheerful Lost-Soul who balances stuff on her head, but it’s distraction. It gives me something to think of other than the depression. My leg’s really sore. I might go to the Out of Hours tomorrow, because I don’t think I can go to Ireland with it like it is. It’s like stabbing pains. And it’s progressed to both legs. It’s worse in my left leg and I honestly don’t know why. I’m lying with 2 pillows under my knee to try and keep it elevated. Dearbhla is sleeping. I’m glad she’s OK. I worry about her all the time. I keep thinking I’ve annoyed her, or done something to upset her. People say I haven’t, but I can’t shake the niggling feeling that I have. This episode of House is so upsetting. His best friend’s girlfriend dies because he got drunk, and he does basically anything to save her, including putting herself in a coma. I’d do anything for my friends. If they asked me to do something like a kidney transplant, or even something as simple as fetch something from the shops, I generally do it, because they are my best friends, and I don’t want to ever do something to upset them. They play a song called “Passing Afternoon” at the end of it, and it’s one of those songs. I used to sit in the middle of my room, get drunk and sing this song when I was upset. I hear it and remember everything that happened, the good and the bad. All the rows with James, the times me and mum laughed together. The few good memories I have of me and my mum are permantley lodged in a spot in my brain. I can remember sitting in the sofa watching Pretty Woman with her, sitting in the car going around and round the roundabout. But they’re limited. Mum changed. When James started drinking more she became more withdrawn and didn’t want to sit with me. I wasn’t allowed a proper hug. I think I got maybe 3 proper hugs in about 4 years. And one of those was when I was leaving. The day I was leaving will haunt me forever. The look on my mum’s face when I got out of the car and on the bus. Walking out of our house with my suitcases. Those are the memories I want to be able to forget, but can’t. One of my worst memories is coming home from school one day, and finding James crying on the stairs. He was suicidal. Mum and TJ were out, and I had to try and talk my stepdad back into living. Giving him a reason to carry on, when quite frankly even I couldn’t see one. That was when I was in the midst of a bad depression. I was about 15, and trying to talk your stepdad out of something like that, when you can’t even do it to yourself is not something that you learn to do in school. You don’t get a lesson in ‘Dealing with Alcoholics’ or ‘Dealing with Depression.’ Yea, we got stress management, but it’s not exactly the same. You come home from school every day and you don’t know what state your stepdad is going to be in. Whether you’re going to have to hide in your room all night, or whether you’re going to get sang at and everything’s going to be fine and dandy. But you know deep down, that one little thing can make him snap. Everyday is a constant battle to try and find a reason to go on. You think things can get better, which is why you haven’t gone yet. And you do leave, and you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. But things aren’t as easy as they seem, and I didn’t know that when I made the decision to move. Many a time I wonder did I make the right decision. And I still haven’t come up with a valid answer.

Bad night

2009-06-14T01:55:00.002+01:00

I’m having a bad night. And I’ve no idea why. This is the problem with depression, you go into lows, and you don’t know why. I’ve spent all night looking at my meds and wondering have I enough to do damage. And I probably do. There’s at least 100 co-codamol, and about 20 tramadol in my drawer. I’m scared. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I keep thinking I’ve pissed people off. The people close to me like Dearbhla, Joan or dad. My friends. They say I haven’t, but I don’t know, I feel like I have. I am already getting side effects from my citalopram (anti-depressants). My heart rate has been in the 160’s all day. It’s doing my head in. It’s too hot. I’m lying in bed with a thin blanket on, my pyjama bottoms rolled up and a really light t-shirt on. It’s nearly 2am but I’m not tired. My stupid leg hurts, which gives me a reason to take pain meds. This is not good. I’ve taken 2 tramadol tonight. But I don’t know if I could take any now. I’m not in the right mind frame to be taking strong pain killers. It sounds stupid. But I know if I go near them now I’ll probably take too many. I’m trying to type loads so I keep my hands occupied, because right now I’m so unbelievably tempted to self harm. I haven’t felt like this for nearly a year. It’s pissing me off. I’m playing Majong, typing this and watching a DVD all at the same time. I can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like shit and I’ve no idea why. I’m gonna go play some more Majong, and play some more random games and hope this passes. I’ll wait until I’m stupid tired before going to sleep.

No Hope.

2009-06-12T22:35:00.002+01:00

I've lost all hope of getting into university. I'm useless at school. I've the concentration span of a gnat. I know I'm smart, I just can't concentrate for long enough to sit down and study. I would love to get to uni, but I probably won't. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my concentration span is shit.

I don't want to be on anti-depressants. It might be for the best, but I don't want to. I don't want to admit I'm depressed again. I can't do it. I'll take the anti-depressants for a few weeks till I'm back at GP, and if they haven't done very much, I'mgonna ask to either have them upped, or taken off them. I e-mailed Open Door tonight. They're the councelling service my GP wants me to see. It's a lot easier to say something in e-mail than to ring them, so it's good they have an e-mail option.

We'll see how the anti-depressants go. I'm not looking forward to the side effects. The next few days should be fun. I'm going back to Ireland for a week on Tuesday. That'll be interesting...

Depression

2009-06-12T12:46:00.001+01:00

I've been re-diagnosed with depression. This is not good. And it's not welcome. I had depression before, and was on anti-depressants, but stopped them when I moved to England. It probably wasn't the best idea, but at the time I just wanted a new start. No anti-depressants because they're a reminder of the past. And I end up back on them. I suppose it's for the best. Feeling like you don't wanna live anymore is never a good way to go. I've got 10mg citalopram, And I've to go back and see my GP in 2 weeks. I've also to find out if I'm getting sedation for the dentist. I've to go and get a filling on the 1st July, and I ain't letting no dentist with a needle near my mouth. Not a hope in hell.

Besides that, I'm still having a crap time. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a cheque in the post this morning from Asthma UK for 12 quid in expenses from April, so that's good, I also got some details about my national insurance number in the post, which is also good. So overall it's been a very strange day so far.

Lost with no cause

2009-06-11T22:12:00.001+01:00

OK, so I started this blog really to give myself somewhere to let off steam, mainly because I don't know how to otherwise, and I don't want to snap at anyone in real life.

A little bit of background about me.

I'm a 17 year old, who for 7 years lived with an alchoholic stepdad. He started physically abusing me about a year ago, and on top of all the verbal and emotional abuse I decided to move out. It had already left it's mark though, and I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have flashbacks to what happened, and have nightmares about things. They're always involving things that happened with him, but 10x worse. the worst one I ever had was he was raping my mum and tried to kill TJ, and I was in the corner watching it all, unable to move or speak. They're scary, and they scare the shit out of me. But I find it helps if I unload on someone, so that's what this is for. I moved to England at the end of January, and now live with my best friend and her family. They're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love them to bits.

Ontop of all of that, I've got moderate/severe asthma. I take 3 different inhalers, and a tablet for my asthma. I'm quite lucky as my best friends have Severe/Brittle asthma, and they take a lot more medications than me. I also get stress induced migraines. So I need to try and stay kind of calm a lot of the time or I get a migraine that incapacitates me for 2 days.

Apart from that, I do a lot of work for Asthma UK, and am part of their Youth Forum. I am also going to be doing work with the Department of Health, and hopefully for the George Collor Memorial if they ever need us again. I love sports, and am hoping to become a sports coach for Leicester City council at some point in the near future.

Today is one of my bad days. I'm having an "I miss home day." I get these maybe twice a month. They're days when I want a hug from my mum or little brother, to be back in my old school with my friends and for everything to be normal. But I know that can never happen again. Because I've seen and done too much in my life.

Anyway, I'll leave you with some random stuff about me.

I'm starting GCSE's in September.
I'm hoping to try and remain as anonymous as possible on this.
I'm a qualified Open Water SCUBA diver
I can ski
I own an iPod touch, LG mobile, Acer Laptop, Wii, Xbox, PC (which is at home), 2 telly's, a dvd player, 3 hard drives and a kick ass graphics card!

Until next time!