lost without a cause

Since my last post over a month ago, a lot has happened. I've got a boyfriend, I've been in hospital with my asthma, I've moved out and my family life has gone to hell. I wrote my friend a letter tonight that I think sums up what's going on pretty well in my life.

Hey,

I just wanted to send you a pm to say Hi :) I needed a bit of a rant and you understand better than anyone at Red Cross why I'm ranting because you're kinda in the same situation as me.

Getting out of hospital on Wednesday and going straight to red cross wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I wanted to get back to normality. I don't like sitting around when there's so much stuff I can be doing with my life. I didn't want to miss the assessments last night because of my stupid asthma. But of course I ended up putting myself at risk, and part of the reason Terry snapped at Chris was because he didn't think I was ready to be there and I was. And looking back I suppose I wasn't ready. I should've been at home sleeping. Was I wrong to want to get back to normality so soon, or should I have left it a bit longer? I learnt tonight that I don't spring back as quick as I used to.It used to be I'd have an attack l one day and be a hell of a lot better the next, but it's not like that anymore. I couldn't even get up my own stairs tonight without nearly collapsing in a heap at the top.

I know different people take different times to recover from attacks, but in your eyes do you think I should've been at Red Cross last night? I've now put Chris in the position where he wants to leave Red cross and I really don't want that to happen for my sake or his.

Sorry for offloading on you, don't feel completely obliged to reply, it was good to have a rant :)

Thanks,

Vicky x

Chris wants to take care of me, that's all fine and well for someone who wants to be taken care of, but I'm 18 for christs sake! I want to go to college and run up stairs and go and get smashed at the weekend, but I can't! I know I can't, because I went for a walk around the park tonight with him and came home and felt like shit. It's annoying and I hate it. I know full well I'm not the worst person with asthma, and I know I'm pretty damned lucky. But I see how my friends bounce back from attacks, and I want to be able to do that. It's shit. And I hate it.