Sorry, What was that?

Well, I found out this week that my hearing is going. Which at my age is pretty shit for want of a better word. I was in hospital last week (same old problem) and it was decided I need to go for a hearing test. So that's being booked. Loosing you're hearing at 18 is not something that should happen. But until my test comes through I'll not know how severe it is. I'm scared that I'm going to be deaf by the time I'm 30. I don't want to have to give up all my dreams because of yet another health problem. Bollocks to it all. Not only that, but I've been referred to see a councellor and am having my citalopram changed because my depression is out of control again. It never fecking ends.

Not a lot else is going on at the minute. Me and Chris are going to Ilfracombe on Monday for a few days, which should be good fun. We both need a holiday. The past 6 months for me have been a nightmare, and I can't imagine they've been very easy on Chris either. My poor boyfriend has seen me in ITU, sat crying in the corner of my room and has sat with me through every hospital admission, every resus visit and every clinic appointment.

I don't normally post summat like this, but to hell with it. My friend Rachael could really do with some prayers at the minute. She had a double lung transplant a few months ago, and has suffered complication after complication.

I'll probably not post until I get back on Friday, so until then, Toodles!

Looking Up

Things are finally starting to look up. I think I've managed to get my depression under control, cause I'm not as down all the time or suicidal as I was. I can get out of bed in the morning and not wonder why I bother. This is good :) And I like it. I've found a flat I like aswell and I'm going to go speak to connexions on Monday and see what they say! I'm starting college in September and stuff, so I'll have stuff to do again. I'm really looking forward to it, I've missed school!

It's Dearbhla's birthday on Friday, I can't wait. I'm probably more excited about it than she is lol. She's at camp this week, so I've had time to sort everything out. It's all good! I'm looking forward to it all, it should be good fun! We're going back to Ireland in September, and I can't wait. I can't wait to see my mates and family. I miss them loads, and am quite homesick at the minute, spec for my friends. I think it's because they're all starting 6th year in September and I'm not. I'm hopefully going to be home for their last day though, it would mean a lot if I could get home for it!

Anyways, I'm off to sleep! Night!

Dealing with it all.

It’s 03.24. I’m starting to feel a little better. I’m not just as suicidal. My thoughts of SH have passed, I’ve spent basically all day watching House. Literally. I’ve watched an entire season in a day. My mates have seen a happy cheerful Lost-Soul who balances stuff on her head, but it’s distraction. It gives me something to think of other than the depression. My leg’s really sore. I might go to the Out of Hours tomorrow, because I don’t think I can go to Ireland with it like it is. It’s like stabbing pains. And it’s progressed to both legs. It’s worse in my left leg and I honestly don’t know why. I’m lying with 2 pillows under my knee to try and keep it elevated. Dearbhla is sleeping. I’m glad she’s OK. I worry about her all the time. I keep thinking I’ve annoyed her, or done something to upset her. People say I haven’t, but I can’t shake the niggling feeling that I have. This episode of House is so upsetting. His best friend’s girlfriend dies because he got drunk, and he does basically anything to save her, including putting herself in a coma. I’d do anything for my friends. If they asked me to do something like a kidney transplant, or even something as simple as fetch something from the shops, I generally do it, because they are my best friends, and I don’t want to ever do something to upset them. They play a song called “Passing Afternoon” at the end of it, and it’s one of those songs. I used to sit in the middle of my room, get drunk and sing this song when I was upset. I hear it and remember everything that happened, the good and the bad. All the rows with James, the times me and mum laughed together. The few good memories I have of me and my mum are permantley lodged in a spot in my brain. I can remember sitting in the sofa watching Pretty Woman with her, sitting in the car going around and round the roundabout. But they’re limited. Mum changed. When James started drinking more she became more withdrawn and didn’t want to sit with me. I wasn’t allowed a proper hug. I think I got maybe 3 proper hugs in about 4 years. And one of those was when I was leaving. The day I was leaving will haunt me forever. The look on my mum’s face when I got out of the car and on the bus. Walking out of our house with my suitcases. Those are the memories I want to be able to forget, but can’t. One of my worst memories is coming home from school one day, and finding James crying on the stairs. He was suicidal. Mum and TJ were out, and I had to try and talk my stepdad back into living. Giving him a reason to carry on, when quite frankly even I couldn’t see one. That was when I was in the midst of a bad depression. I was about 15, and trying to talk your stepdad out of something like that, when you can’t even do it to yourself is not something that you learn to do in school. You don’t get a lesson in ‘Dealing with Alcoholics’ or ‘Dealing with Depression.’ Yea, we got stress management, but it’s not exactly the same. You come home from school every day and you don’t know what state your stepdad is going to be in. Whether you’re going to have to hide in your room all night, or whether you’re going to get sang at and everything’s going to be fine and dandy. But you know deep down, that one little thing can make him snap. Everyday is a constant battle to try and find a reason to go on. You think things can get better, which is why you haven’t gone yet. And you do leave, and you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. But things aren’t as easy as they seem, and I didn’t know that when I made the decision to move. Many a time I wonder did I make the right decision. And I still haven’t come up with a valid answer.

Bad night

I’m having a bad night. And I’ve no idea why. This is the problem with depression, you go into lows, and you don’t know why. I’ve spent all night looking at my meds and wondering have I enough to do damage. And I probably do. There’s at least 100 co-codamol, and about 20 tramadol in my drawer. I’m scared. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I keep thinking I’ve pissed people off. The people close to me like Dearbhla, Joan or dad. My friends. They say I haven’t, but I don’t know, I feel like I have. I am already getting side effects from my citalopram (anti-depressants). My heart rate has been in the 160’s all day. It’s doing my head in. It’s too hot. I’m lying in bed with a thin blanket on, my pyjama bottoms rolled up and a really light t-shirt on. It’s nearly 2am but I’m not tired. My stupid leg hurts, which gives me a reason to take pain meds. This is not good. I’ve taken 2 tramadol tonight. But I don’t know if I could take any now. I’m not in the right mind frame to be taking strong pain killers. It sounds stupid. But I know if I go near them now I’ll probably take too many. I’m trying to type loads so I keep my hands occupied, because right now I’m so unbelievably tempted to self harm. I haven’t felt like this for nearly a year. It’s pissing me off. I’m playing Majong, typing this and watching a DVD all at the same time. I can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like shit and I’ve no idea why. I’m gonna go play some more Majong, and play some more random games and hope this passes. I’ll wait until I’m stupid tired before going to sleep.

No Hope.

I've lost all hope of getting into university. I'm useless at school. I've the concentration span of a gnat. I know I'm smart, I just can't concentrate for long enough to sit down and study. I would love to get to uni, but I probably won't. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my concentration span is shit.

I don't want to be on anti-depressants. It might be for the best, but I don't want to. I don't want to admit I'm depressed again. I can't do it. I'll take the anti-depressants for a few weeks till I'm back at GP, and if they haven't done very much, I'mgonna ask to either have them upped, or taken off them. I e-mailed Open Door tonight. They're the councelling service my GP wants me to see. It's a lot easier to say something in e-mail than to ring them, so it's good they have an e-mail option.

We'll see how the anti-depressants go. I'm not looking forward to the side effects. The next few days should be fun. I'm going back to Ireland for a week on Tuesday. That'll be interesting...

Depression

I've been re-diagnosed with depression. This is not good. And it's not welcome. I had depression before, and was on anti-depressants, but stopped them when I moved to England. It probably wasn't the best idea, but at the time I just wanted a new start. No anti-depressants because they're a reminder of the past. And I end up back on them. I suppose it's for the best. Feeling like you don't wanna live anymore is never a good way to go. I've got 10mg citalopram, And I've to go back and see my GP in 2 weeks. I've also to find out if I'm getting sedation for the dentist. I've to go and get a filling on the 1st July, and I ain't letting no dentist with a needle near my mouth. Not a hope in hell.

Besides that, I'm still having a crap time. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a cheque in the post this morning from Asthma UK for 12 quid in expenses from April, so that's good, I also got some details about my national insurance number in the post, which is also good. So overall it's been a very strange day so far.

Lost with no cause

OK, so I started this blog really to give myself somewhere to let off steam, mainly because I don't know how to otherwise, and I don't want to snap at anyone in real life.

A little bit of background about me.

I'm a 17 year old, who for 7 years lived with an alchoholic stepdad. He started physically abusing me about a year ago, and on top of all the verbal and emotional abuse I decided to move out. It had already left it's mark though, and I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have flashbacks to what happened, and have nightmares about things. They're always involving things that happened with him, but 10x worse. the worst one I ever had was he was raping my mum and tried to kill TJ, and I was in the corner watching it all, unable to move or speak. They're scary, and they scare the shit out of me. But I find it helps if I unload on someone, so that's what this is for. I moved to England at the end of January, and now live with my best friend and her family. They're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love them to bits.

Ontop of all of that, I've got moderate/severe asthma. I take 3 different inhalers, and a tablet for my asthma. I'm quite lucky as my best friends have Severe/Brittle asthma, and they take a lot more medications than me. I also get stress induced migraines. So I need to try and stay kind of calm a lot of the time or I get a migraine that incapacitates me for 2 days.

Apart from that, I do a lot of work for Asthma UK, and am part of their Youth Forum. I am also going to be doing work with the Department of Health, and hopefully for the George Collor Memorial if they ever need us again. I love sports, and am hoping to become a sports coach for Leicester City council at some point in the near future.

Today is one of my bad days. I'm having an "I miss home day." I get these maybe twice a month. They're days when I want a hug from my mum or little brother, to be back in my old school with my friends and for everything to be normal. But I know that can never happen again. Because I've seen and done too much in my life.

Anyway, I'll leave you with some random stuff about me.

I'm starting GCSE's in September.
I'm hoping to try and remain as anonymous as possible on this.
I'm a qualified Open Water SCUBA diver
I can ski
I own an iPod touch, LG mobile, Acer Laptop, Wii, Xbox, PC (which is at home), 2 telly's, a dvd player, 3 hard drives and a kick ass graphics card!

Until next time!