Inevitability

It happened. I ended up incosterated. It was nowhere near as bad as any of the other times though and I was only on IV anti-biotics, steroids and o2 this time. So it wasn't that bad. It did mean however that I didn't get to see dad as much as I would've liked as I was stuck in Cavan. But he came and stayed in the B&B that Chris stays in when he came over, so he spent a good part of the day up with me on Friday. I spent most of Friday in A&E and having him there to talk to made it slightly less boring which was cool.

My mocks start this week. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I've done very little revision and I'm still not feeling overly great. I'm worried I'm gonna cough my way through them. I didn't manage to get it where I'm in my own room because I left it too late and stuff so :S. I'm just gonna have to give it my best shot and hope for the best.

We'll see what happens!

Noooooooo!

I have the lurgy! Feck feck feck feck and feck again. Dad's coming on Friday. This can't be happening!!! I rang my respiratory nurses this morning to see what I can do until Saturday when dad goes home. Their suggestion being 60mg of prednisolone, 4 puffs BD of both inhalers (Urggggh) and 2 hrly nebs. I'm shaking like someone having DT's from booze, and trust me on this, I know what people shake like when they're detoxing. Pray this clears on it's own, I need to stay out if I have any hope of passing this year. On top of that I'm eating like nothing I've ever seen before. It's not good! My diet's going out the window! Arrggggh!

Please please please pray this doesn't get any worse. I want to see my dad!

I'm a success!

Finally things are going my way!  Well, mostly! Things in school are going well. Apart from Thursday when I had to take the day off (will explain in a bit) I've completed 2 full weeks at school. The first time since September! This is good, and my teachers are noticing it. I'm doing quite well in all my subjects and things are starting to really look up. Apart from the fact I have to do the pre's (mocks) I'm quite optimistic about the leaving. It's annoying though, they're telling me to do the mocks, but to use my book. So I'm technically doing something I could do at home and paying €95 for the priviledge. Grrrr.

But yea, I don't know if I'd said, but mum broke her wrist about 8 weeks ago. She was directing the ambulance up the lane for me and slipped right in front of it breaking her wrist quite spectacularily. What a way to do it. But she had to get the cast of on Thursday and she didn't know what time she'd be back, if she'd be back on thursday. There was talk of sedating her for it so she wouldn't be allowed to drive. So there would be nobody to pick up me or TJ from school, so I had to stay at home and look after TJ *read sleep all day* so I got a day off school.

Asthma-wise *whispering now* things are going really well. I've got my Prednisolone down to 15mg and am able to do a lot more than normal. This is very good. For once I'm having a good run of things and I'm going to make the most of it. Getting to school every day is fantastic. I've missed it. I can finally climb my own stairs at home without ending up in a heap. School's pushing it, but I'm managing a lot better than normal. Peak Flow's are hovering around 200 which is good for me and I'm still reducing the pred. Life's gooooood!

Things with James (Arsewipe or AW for short) aren't going quite as well. He rang an ambulance on Monday night telling them he'd taken an overdose. Needless to say he actually hadn't, but it had gotten to the stage where he wanted that badly to have a warm bed for the night that he was willing to go to that stage. They found out he'd had a Minor heart attack and pulmonary embolism. These aren't good things, but he discharged himself anyway. It's stupid, he's risking his own life and he's going to leave TJ without a dad if he carries on. But I don't care. He's not my problem anymore. I have enough going on in my life to worry about without having that AW causing problems for me aswell.

But I will leave you with the thought that I'm getting better and life's good!

Rejected.

Well, I got my first university rejection today. De Montfort Uni in Leicester. It was my first choice and everything. Well pissed off. Leicester would've been ideal because I would've been on placement in hospitals I know. I've still got to hear back from a few, and the latest I'll know is May, so it's not horrendous. I'm just a bit dis-heartened to see my first choice declined.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Things have been a bit hectic here. I managed six weeks out of hospital and then three weeks in. Three weeks in hospital is enough to send anyone nuts. But Chris came to see me when I was in, which was fantastic. It really cheered me up seeing him. It was tough because he was meant to come over last weekend but couldn't afford to stay in a B&B again so we had to say no to that one. It was a bit shit because I got out then on the Monday. While I was in though I tried sub cut and it worked really well, so I know I can use that in future if need be. Hayes has a few tricks up his sleeve apparently, so we shall see what happens. I'm determined to stay out of hospital long enough to make it to clinic this time. 17th of Jan and counting.

In other news, James is back with us again. While I was in hospital, Nanny and Pappy found out he was staying with us and told mum that if he didn't go, we had to. So mum kicked him out. But the weather hit -15 here and he didn't have any heating in the garage, so mum let him come back for a bit. He has to be gone by the first week in Jan though, Nanny and Pappy are coming back from Tenerife for a week and if they find out he's here they'll have a fit. I can't wait to see Nanny, I missed her when I was incosterated.

So Christmas shopping is all done, wrapped and all that jazz. I hate Christmas, the only good thing is seeing TJ open his presents on Christmas morning. I'm too old for Santa now and to everyone else it's just another day in the year, cept with better food. Christmas is all about the food. Fact. I'm having Chicken and Ham this year. Can't be arsed cooking a turkey, and I don't think it would fit in our oven anyway. The poor oven would probably have a fit if we tried to put a full sized bird into it. Last time we tried to do anything inventive mum set fire to the kitchen. And then James set fire to the toast this morning. Our oven doesn't like us much. That'll teach mum to use a gas oven that's older than me and probably isn't safe to be used in a home anymore.

Anyway,

Happy Christmas dear readers. (Does anyone actually read this?!) and have a happy new year!

Atrocious Behaviour!

I know. I'm a disgrace. I've been out of hospital now for about 3 weeks and I've not bothered my arse updating my blog. Right, well I'll do it in topics haha.

Hospital Admission.

Well, as I had previously posted, I wasn't feeling fantastic in the week running up to being admitted, owing to the fact I got infected with something known as "The Common Cold" or in my case "The bastarding thing that causes me to go into hospital everytime I get one." I knew quite early on in the day that I was going to end up in. I just felt pants and my sats where slowly going down. I've got a little sats monitor I use occasionally when I'm not feeling great to see whether I can get away with just nebbing or not. But this just wasn't happening today and I packed my back at about 12pm knowing fine well what was going to happen. About 9pm I texted mum and told her to call it. It's easier for me to text her when I'm not well than it is to bellow down the stairs. So the ambulance came and I got buggered off to Cavan. Where the lovely people there kept me on a corridor giving me half hourly nebs and 100% o2 all night. Joyous. Needless to say when I ended up on CPAP on ICU the next morning the nurses and my consultant wasn't too pleased. It was amusing to see *Lily bellowing at A&E the next day. But got out after a week, so it wasn't too bad. What wasn't cool though was that while I was in I was using my iPhone for the internet and ran my bill up to £200. Ouch.

Dad

When I got out, I went to see Daddy in Belfast for a few days. It was great seeing him, even if it was only for a few days. I haven't seen him since Christmas and I really missed him. He's moved to Tenerife because of the way his work is so I don't get to see him very often. I got to see some people I haven't seen in ages like my aunt and great aunt aswell, so it's all good. I'm hoping if my lungs behave to get over to see Dad in February, and if not he's coming home to see me. And so help him if he doesn't, I'll kill him!

School

I'm semi back to school. I went in last Friday, then it was half term. So I had a shite load of work to catch up on over half term. I suppose it was good I had half term to do it, or I would've been screwed. I went in on Monday, but had Tues and Weds off because I got the flu jab and haven't been feeling fantastic. Bloody thing. Every year I say I'm not going to get it next year, but always end up giving in. I suppose it's better than getting the proper flu and ending up in a proper mess. I can't see school being too pleased if I miss yet more time off. But I think I'm keeping up pretty Ok considering everything that's happening.

James

Everything's kicking off with James again. He was in rehab for 6 weeks, but when he got out on weekend leave about 2 weeks ago he didn't bother going back. He's been drinking again since that and is going back down the falling to pieces route. On Tues Night he tried to hang himself and it went wrong, resulting in him breaking his shoulder. So mum's forced him to go back to rehab. He's never going to be able to hold down a job or anything in his current state, so how the hell would mum even contemplate going back to him is beyond me. In my honest opinion I don't think he's ever going to stop drinking, and mum would be better off just leaving him to it. But hey, I'm only a teenager. What does my opinion matter?

Chris is coming over this weekend, so I've got that to look forward to. Bless him, he's all excited.

This sucks.

Warning: Moan ahead.

I'm fed up. I'm fed up of asthma. I'm fed up of tummy problems. I'm fed up of the diabetes that isn't diabetes. It's pissing me off. It's 2.26am. I should be sleeping. I've got to be up for school in 5 hours, then get on a bus to Belfast in 12. I want to be normal and be able to sleep at normal times like normal people. Everything's so fucked up at the minute that I don't know what's actually normal in my life anymore. I've had 2 days off school this week because my chest's been so pissed with me that if I went in I would come out in an ambulance. I'm currently debating putting my pred up for a week and seeing if that helps. It's gotten to that stage. Fuck off Asthma.

In other news, Chris is coming over on Saturday :D It's gonna be a good weekend. I've missed him summat chronic. We're spending Saturday in Belfast and I'm going to take him to see Toy Story 3 and go for breakfast and stuff. I'm going up tomorrow to stay with Kathleen. That'll be interesting considering Kathleen is a chain smoker and has 5 cats. It's going to be a fun night. I'm gonna neb 3 hrly and just hope for the best to be honest. It'll be worth it though. Kathleen's my adopted grandmother and I haven't seen her for an age. It will be good to get properly caught up with her.

I'm now sitting playing Lego Harry Potter on my DS and wishing I could get to sleep. I think the best plan is to stay awake all night, then sleep on the bus to Belfast. We shall see how that plan works...

12 of 12

Well, I spent the 12th of this month in Hospital. Faaaantastic! I don't know if I managed to get 12 pics, but I did take about 4 random ones haha.



The Cannula I had in the crease of my arm gave up at like 6am. Not fun. The tegaderm didn't agree with me.


They ended up cannulating the middle of my arm. It hurt!



They turned all the lights off and shut the curtains at about 3pm. CCU is great, the have Sony Bravia's hanging from the ceiling.



Then me and the nurses had chinese at 11pm! Fun times!

So yea, Ended up back in hospital. It's getting really fucking annoying now. I'm waiting on my appointment with my new consultant coming through, but it'll probably be after Christmas now because the waiting list is silly. This admission though about 3 other things went wrong, not just my chest. Which was really annoying. When I'm ill, my pottasium levels go low. As a result I was having Cardiac Arrythmias which means I was skipping heartbeats left, right and center and spent 3 days on Coronary Care and another 6 days with Cardiac Monitoring on. So not cool. Then on top of that I ended up with an obstructed bowel. The pain was just silly. I probably wouldn't have been in so long if it hadn't have been for that. So I've been sent home with Lactalose. Not good. Nasty stuff. Evil nasty horrible stuff. Constipated people don't give a shit.

In other news. James is in an alcoholic treatment center. To be honest I don't care. He's said he'd stop drinking so many times before, that until he's off it for at least 6 months and is making a proper effort to get his life back on track, I'm not going to get my hopes up. The scars just run too deep. He got himself arrested again before I went into hospital for drinking and driving, and should be in court tomorrow. But obviously he won't be. He got away very lightly. They aren't charging him for driving without a license, which at the minute he doesn't have because he got it taken off him about 3 years ago for exactly the same thing. Some people never learn. He's a dickhead, and the sooner mum realises that and tells him where to go the better.

I'm going back to school tomorrow. It should be interesting. I've got a shitload of work to catch up on, and my parent teacher meeting is in a few weeks. I'm screwed. I've only actually been in school for a week since the year began. I'm determined though I'm going to catch up. I like school, and they're making a huge effort to make things easier for me, so the least I can do is return the effort.

Anyway, until next time my friends!

Lesson for this week? Woks are Dangerous

As the title says, My mammy learned the hard way last night that woks are dangerous. James was over last night (will explain all about what's going on with James and mum at another time, too long winded) and he had put the wok on the stove and forgot about it. Thus setting the wok on fire, making the kitchen roll catch fire. Mum grabbed both, dropped the kitchen roll in the hall making a hole in the hall floor and giving herself 2nd degree burns to her right hand in the process. Impressive? I thought so aswell. So there's now a massive burn mark in the hall lino that's been covered with a rug and smoke marks up the kitchen ceiling. Needless to say my lungs weren't impressed and I spent most of last night coughing. Rawr.




But I'm over in nanny's for the day so mum and James can spend some time together. Not only that but the house still smells of smoke and mum is going to have to spray a shit load of bleach spray to get rid of it and the marks that were left by the smoke on the cooker. But I got to take the quad bike out today for the first time sicne I crashed it over a year ago. I tried to get it up a steep hill and it didn't go well. I couped it and it started leaking petrol. Needless to say I nearly shite myself and had to run the 2k back to the house to get my uncle and other uncle to go rescue it. Nanny and Pappy are away this week so I took my oppurtunity and took it for a quick spin around some of the fields. It felt great to get that sense of freedom and power back. As you can see from the photo, the quad isn't just a little kids toy, it can hit about 40kph.



These are some pics of where I live. Most people can't believe I live in the arse end of nowhere and on a farm. He's your proof :P







You can't live on a farm without the obligatory tractor or pile of cow shite.


I think I've gotten used to being home now. I'm going to my old years Graduation Prom on Tuesday night. I can't fucking wait. Oooooh more gossip. Me and Chris are no more. His controlling behaviour just got too much and we're now officially over. It's weird. But I feel a lot better for it because it was just getting too much and now I don't have to worry about every little thing I do upsetting him. But now I can go to the debs with my best friend Laura, dance all night, not come home until 5am and have a fantastic night. It will be brilliant! :D

But this has been a silly long blog post, and I can't be arsed typing anymore. I'll do another post during the week maybe :)

Sorry, What was that?

Well, I found out this week that my hearing is going. Which at my age is pretty shit for want of a better word. I was in hospital last week (same old problem) and it was decided I need to go for a hearing test. So that's being booked. Loosing you're hearing at 18 is not something that should happen. But until my test comes through I'll not know how severe it is. I'm scared that I'm going to be deaf by the time I'm 30. I don't want to have to give up all my dreams because of yet another health problem. Bollocks to it all. Not only that, but I've been referred to see a councellor and am having my citalopram changed because my depression is out of control again. It never fecking ends.

Not a lot else is going on at the minute. Me and Chris are going to Ilfracombe on Monday for a few days, which should be good fun. We both need a holiday. The past 6 months for me have been a nightmare, and I can't imagine they've been very easy on Chris either. My poor boyfriend has seen me in ITU, sat crying in the corner of my room and has sat with me through every hospital admission, every resus visit and every clinic appointment.

I don't normally post summat like this, but to hell with it. My friend Rachael could really do with some prayers at the minute. She had a double lung transplant a few months ago, and has suffered complication after complication.

I'll probably not post until I get back on Friday, so until then, Toodles!

12 of 12 and an update.

I get up late, and still find time to make my bed! Wooo go me!



Was on a Red Cross duty. It's Refugee Week and the British Red Cross were holding like a party thing in the park in town and we were asked to go keep an eye on things. This is the samba players plus our refugee co-ordinators.



3/4 times a day I have to check my blood sugar. Because I didn't realise when I was in DKA before, I have to be careful and check it regularily. My poor fingers are screwed.




This was on my list of things to do today, but never got done. My poor bedside table!



You know you're going mad when you start seeing Red Cross vans everywhere. This one was parked across my road delivering a whole load of stuff.



I'm doing like a photo challenge thing for a Sci-Fi Group I belong to. I was doing my chemistry revision and hadn't got a picture for 31, so thought why not gallium?!



Urgh, hate revision. Notice how the TV is on, I think I was watching it more than chemistry to be honest



Gt Chris some stuff to say thank you for what he's done for me lately. He's going to start his paramedic training soon so I thought the book would be a good idea, and he needed a new torch, so it's all good!



And then the voice started to go :( and so began my lurgy.



The drugs of a dozy asthmatic when she has the lurgy at night.



The temperature and peak flow. Considering I have the lurgy that's not a bad peak flow. Still pretty pants for me, but all good considering last time I had the lurgy I ended up in hospital with a severe chest infection.



And finally, My teddy! I can't go to sleep without him!

So what's been going on? Not an awful lot. In the middle of my exams, so when I'm not asleep because I feel like shit, I'm studying. Life of a student and all that. It could be worse, I could be doing A-Levels. Oh wait, that's next year. Asthma-Wise, Lungs reasonably behaving. I've got the cold so I don't think they're gonna be 100%, but a peak flow of about 350 isn't bad. The blood sugars are being quite stable aswell so it looks as if things are finally on the up on that side. But we'll see what happens!

Vicky x

Day in the life of Me

I thought I'd give you a day in the life of me blog, because I've got nothing better to blog about and I thought it may be remotely interesting haha. I'll do it on a typical Wednesday and will put as much detail and humour into it as I can :P

0715 - Alarm goes off. Alarm gets thrown at wall. It's one of those fantastic alarms that gets thrown at the wall to shut it up. Whoever invented them needs Knighted.
0730 - Roll out of bed and wander to the bathroom. I generally end up falling over something on the way.
0735 - Drugs time! In the morning I take: Prednisolone, Aminophylline, Citalopram, Fexofenadine, Lansoprazole, Calceos, Nasonex and my eye drops go in. I then take my Symbicort, Atrovent and Ventolin. I check my blood sugars and depending on what they're like decides whether or not I need to go have some coke. I'll check my peak flow and hope that it's high enough for me to ignore my asthma for a few hours. It generally isn't.
0740 - Get dressed and find college books. Generally easier said than done in my bedroom.
0745 - Go downstairs and have a bowl of cereal (BM depending, may end up being toast or nothing) and then run back upstairs to brush teeth.
0755 - Grab headphones, college ID and rucksack and run for the bus. Never a good start when you open the door and see the bus at the bus stop. Ruuuuuun!
0830 - Get to college and collapse in a heap in the medical room for 10mins to recover from your manic adventure to college.
0840 - 1230 - Lessons. God bless Wednesdays, I finish at lunchtime. Makes life so much easier.
1300 - Get home and do BM again. Fingers getting a bit sore by now, but hey, sooner or later they'll just become numb and won't be bothered by all the stabbings. I'll generally do a bit of revision for a few hours then play on my Wii. I do get bored though so going to sleep happens too.
1730 - Make some food. Generally pasta is a good start if I'm only cooking for me.
1800 - Go back upstairs and study a bit more or play my xbox this time. More than likely the xbox will win.
1900 - Time to leave for Red Cross. This will generally involve me treating some "casualty" they've made up for us. Borrrring.
2200 - Get home and clamber into bed. Try and find drugs on bedside table, check BM and peak flow and collapse in a heap

Intensive Care Unit.

I don't think I could ever experience what has happened in the past few days again without completely going mad.

After my post on Thursday night my chest started getting quite bad and I didn't feel quite right, so I got one of my housemates to call an ambulance. I wasn't overly bad when the ambulance got there, but they know me and know I can go downhill quite quickly so took me in and took me to resus. When I got to resus I had lots of nebs, o2 and some hydrocortasone. They moved me to a ward pretty quickly which was quite good. I had declined an ABG in resus because I didn't think I was bad enough, but when I got up to ACB they had to call the ITU team because my HR, Resp Rate and Blood Sugar levels were really dodgey and they decided that I needed an ABG, so after a hell of a lot of persuasion I let them have one. But noooo, one wasn't enough. They wanted 3. So after a lot, and I mean a lot of persuasion, I let them have their 3. It was then decided my lactate levels were too high, my pottasium was too low and a lot of other things were dodgey. So they moved me to ITU. And I'm not joking, it was one of 'Thee' worse nights of my life so far. They had me catheterised, put an arterial line in and had fook knows how many lines going in and out. I think I had about 6 things going in and out of me. I know it's not a lot to some people, but to someone who has never been in ITU before it was absolutely terrifying. There was people around me ventilated and everything and here was little old me wondering what the hell was going on.

In the end they got everything sorted. I was on an insulin drip for 3 days because my sugars were all over the shop. They said I was in DKA because of the steroids I'm on and things, so I need to see the diabetic nurses on Monday so they can decide what to do from there. But for now I'm still stuck on the ward. I do know something though, I never, ever want to have to go through that again. I'm really going to make an effort to sort my diet out and what not, because that can't have helped matters. I made Emma a promise when she sat with me in ITU, that I would try and sort my life out, and I plan on doing that.

But for now, it's another hospital visit. I so can't wait to see my discharge letter haha.

Catching up on lost time

Apologies for being such a bad blogger, been absolutely hectic these past few weeks.

The last post I made was from Costa Del NHS at the end of March. I was in for just over a week that time. They transferred me to the other hospital in Leicester because they didn't know what to do with me anymore, so I ended up there for a few days. It wasn't too bad this time, apart from the woman beside me who snored for England. I ended up going walkabout at silly o'clock again just to get away from her. It's all good though, and the lungs are really behaving at the minute. I've managed to reduce my prednisolone down to 10mg which is the lowest I've ever had it, so I'm well chuffed. I've managed well over a month out of hospital now, so we'll see how it goes. If I end up back in before Glastonbudget then my Senior Services manager at Red Cross won't let me go and I won't be a happy bunny. He's already really suspicious of me going on big duties. Mind you, yesterday he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It embarrassed me enough to make me go bright red, and that doesn't happen often!

In other news! Me and Chris have been going out 6 months now! It's a big deal because it's the longest relationship I've ever been in. It's his 22nd Birthday next week, and we're going to Legoland on Saturday. I got him some lego, a photo of us both and some syringe pen things for his birthday. He knows about the lego, but doesn't know about the rest, so I'm looking forward to him opening it. Bless, he deserves more, but I can't afford it. I may buy him something when my EMA bonus comes through in July or something before Glastonbudget. We'll see.

I was at a big Red Cross duty in Peterborough yesterday. Truckfest. It was boring as hell, but it was a good chance to take some pics with my new camera. There's some pics on my Facebook page, but some of them are from other times, I've labelled them from when they are so you shouldn't get too lost :)

Anyway, I've got to go to bed now, I'm up early for college in the morning. Laters!

Costa Del NHS

Well once again, the Costa del NHS is my home. It's beginning to take the piss a bit don't you think? I wasn't feeling too shit when I came in, but quite quickly went downhill which scared a few people. Middle of the night on a Sunday night and I'm sat being reviewed by Intensive Care. Not fun. Let's just say that's the last time I ever let anyone near me with an ABG again.

I'm starting to get really fed up with all of these admissions. This is my 5th since November and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. If anything it's getting worse. And what's even more annoying is my consultant doesn't seem to be doing an awful lot to try and keep me out. All they want is "more breathing tests" but it's gotten to the stage now where the Respiratory Techs won't do the tests because I'm so unstable. That tell you anything?

I'm absolutely knackered both physically and mentally and don't know how much more of this shite I can take.

Keeping up Appearances

I'm a bad blogger. *Slaps Wrists* Since my last blog not a lot has happened. I've managed to get properly back to college. I've had a clinic appointment and even tidied my room along the way, although it didn't stay like that. Oh and me and Chris went to Torquay for the weekend!

I'm well pleased at being able to get back to college. I've managed two full days at college so far this week and I would love to manage a full week, it would be the first completely full week I've managed since September. I do enjoy college though, so I'm happy enough.

Clinic was interesting... Let's just say I'm not entirely sure what the hospitals long term plan is. They seem to think I'll get Xolair but my levels aren't right apparently and because they can't get a decent skin prick result off me because of my anti-depressants, we'll see what happens. It's not something that's going to happen overnight anyway because a lot of things need checked. i.e my compliance with meds.

Torquay was good fun. I really needed a weekend away and I got to spend some proper time with Chris and we got to sort a lot of things out. I came back a lot more chilled and so did he. We both really needed it. The hotel was really nice and wasn't very expensive so I'm pleased! It had a heated indoor pool, gym and the room was really nice. It was all good fun and I'm happy enough.

And even better is my lungs are semi behaving! I got a peak flow of 400 this morning! It's all good!

Hospital

Well, it didn't last. My good lung streak finally came to an end and I type this from my hospital bed a very unhappy girl. Had the attack last friday and am still in with no hope of home until at least Saturday. Getting a bit bored of all of this now. I may do 12 of 12 tomorrow of a day in the life of a hospital patient lol. That's if I manage to stay awake all day. Right now sleeping is always seeming to be the best plan.

Oh god, the woman next to me has gone off on one. She's a detoxing alcoholic and given my past I'm a bit weary of having her around. She was that bad last night they had security in here holding her down most of the night. It freaked me out.

I'm a bit pissed off, they don't seem to be doing a lot to get me better. I seem to be as good as I was about 4 days ago when I had that bad attack. But I don't really have very good sats on oxygen so they don't really know where to go from here. They want to transfer me to another hospital but they don't really know whether I'd end up in a worse state when I arrived as a pose to when I left so they're not exactly very willing to transfer me atm. Spec because I'm needing so much oxygen to keep my sats up. It's well annoying, but we'll see what the doctors have to say in the morning when I see them.

Well, Yesterday was my one year of living in England mark. I was ok all day, because I spent it with Chris and we went for sunday lunch and went bowling and stuff, but in typical Vicky fashion the nights got to me the most and I ended up in a heap last night sobbing to Chris. I am more upset at my family not caring to be honest. Not once since my last admission has my mum rang to see how I am or anything. It's annoying and it's not making me a very nice person because I'm constantly thinking about it, and as a result I'm being a cow to Chris and he doesn't deserve it.

I'm in the middle of my mocks in college. It's a nightmare. Because I've missed so much time I'm struggling to learn everything. I had chemistry today. It was fine up until the last question which was the bit I hadn't had a chance to look over, so whether or not I've passed it is another story. I've biology tomorrow and I'm feeling reasonably confident about that. I've been doing a lot of revision for it so hopefully I'm not completely screwed.

Anyway, this is like a day in the life thing. I thought it would be a good idea to show you what I get up to on a day to day basis.


Morning drugs! Don't say it's too dark, it was 7am. I was half asleep lol



Biology Revision in college. I was the last one to leave the library lol



What we were doing in chemistry today after our mock lol. Needless to say the lungs didn't agree, but it was pretty to look at!



Dinner! Spaghetti Hoops on Toast! Fantastic food!



Brain food, and brain mush. All in one.



Bought a new puffapouch for my inhaler today!



My pile of washing is getting a bit silly now...




Chris bought me a load of stuff from Paperchase today, and I bought a new wallet because my old one just was going to give up on me at any moment. But £12.12 for all the stationary wasn't bad!




My drugs drawer! There's no atrovent or ventolin in there at the minute, that's in my college rucksack. I take every one of those drugs every day, except for the random amoxicillian.



And finally into my bed!

Since my last post over a month ago, a lot has happened. I've got a boyfriend, I've been in hospital with my asthma, I've moved out and my family life has gone to hell. I wrote my friend a letter tonight that I think sums up what's going on pretty well in my life.

Hey,

I just wanted to send you a pm to say Hi :) I needed a bit of a rant and you understand better than anyone at Red Cross why I'm ranting because you're kinda in the same situation as me.

Getting out of hospital on Wednesday and going straight to red cross wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I wanted to get back to normality. I don't like sitting around when there's so much stuff I can be doing with my life. I didn't want to miss the assessments last night because of my stupid asthma. But of course I ended up putting myself at risk, and part of the reason Terry snapped at Chris was because he didn't think I was ready to be there and I was. And looking back I suppose I wasn't ready. I should've been at home sleeping. Was I wrong to want to get back to normality so soon, or should I have left it a bit longer? I learnt tonight that I don't spring back as quick as I used to.It used to be I'd have an attack l one day and be a hell of a lot better the next, but it's not like that anymore. I couldn't even get up my own stairs tonight without nearly collapsing in a heap at the top.

I know different people take different times to recover from attacks, but in your eyes do you think I should've been at Red Cross last night? I've now put Chris in the position where he wants to leave Red cross and I really don't want that to happen for my sake or his.

Sorry for offloading on you, don't feel completely obliged to reply, it was good to have a rant :)

Thanks,

Vicky x

Chris wants to take care of me, that's all fine and well for someone who wants to be taken care of, but I'm 18 for christs sake! I want to go to college and run up stairs and go and get smashed at the weekend, but I can't! I know I can't, because I went for a walk around the park tonight with him and came home and felt like shit. It's annoying and I hate it. I know full well I'm not the worst person with asthma, and I know I'm pretty damned lucky. But I see how my friends bounce back from attacks, and I want to be able to do that. It's shit. And I hate it.