Long time no blog.

Today is now Friday. In my eyes it's still Thursday. Does that give you some kind of indication just how screwed up my sleep patterns are? I'm meant to be in college in 4 hours. I think the term is "I'm Screwed." Just thought that would make for an interesting start!

It's been a bit of a shit November. I know I posted on the 20th, but it was a bit of a rubbish post if I'm honest, so I'd better fill people in on what's actually happening in my life. In a month I left where I was living, moved into a house with 5 other people, been in hospital with my asthma and been faced with a disciplinery in college. It's all going a bit pear shaped at the minute!

First of all, Moving out! Well the fight that had been coming between me and Emz finally happened. I think it had been coming for a while. It just wasn't meant to work out I don't think. Me and her mum were never going to see eye to eye. I got major pissed off though when her mum accused me of breaking her laptop. I nearly screamed at her. So the outcome of that one was that my grandparents bought her another one. But I moved into a big house with 5 other people. My room's quite small, but I like it. It's a nightmare to keep tidy though lol and I'm having to learn how to use a washing machine which is always fun considering I've done my own washing about 4 times in my life. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely I'm learning that I'm not as immature as people see me.

So yea, hospital lol. I think it had been building up, and I probably should've gone in sooner, because my sats were to be honest, shit lol. They did two Arterial Blood Gases, which incase you don't know, hurt like hell. They left me with the worlds most impressive bruises. I stayed in for 2 nights and then got home. I wasn't very happy though that I wasn't able to bounce straight back to doing everything that I wanted to, i.e college. I see Emz and wonder why I can't do what she does and just go straight back to full health after being in hospital. It's shit, and it took a lot for me to just sit in bed and rest. Anyone that knows me knows how hard it is for me to be calm. Having to ask for help was a fucking nightmare for me, and I plan on not having to do it again.

This week has been a bit shit. My asthma was playing havoc for 2 days, so was off college. Went in on wednesday then on Wednesday night/Thursday morning started vomiting so was off Thursday. Today is going to be fun considering I've had no sleep. I've got a meeting tomorrow night with the youth club I volunteer at then I'm coming home and going to bed. I'm on duty on Saturday, at a Christmas meal on Sat Night, then on duty again on Sunday morning, so it's going to be a fun weekend!

It's all good though, because my dearest boyfriend is going to be there! :D

Since my last post over a month ago, a lot has happened. I've got a boyfriend, I've been in hospital with my asthma, I've moved out and my family life has gone to hell. I wrote my friend a letter tonight that I think sums up what's going on pretty well in my life.

Hey,

I just wanted to send you a pm to say Hi :) I needed a bit of a rant and you understand better than anyone at Red Cross why I'm ranting because you're kinda in the same situation as me.

Getting out of hospital on Wednesday and going straight to red cross wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I wanted to get back to normality. I don't like sitting around when there's so much stuff I can be doing with my life. I didn't want to miss the assessments last night because of my stupid asthma. But of course I ended up putting myself at risk, and part of the reason Terry snapped at Chris was because he didn't think I was ready to be there and I was. And looking back I suppose I wasn't ready. I should've been at home sleeping. Was I wrong to want to get back to normality so soon, or should I have left it a bit longer? I learnt tonight that I don't spring back as quick as I used to.It used to be I'd have an attack l one day and be a hell of a lot better the next, but it's not like that anymore. I couldn't even get up my own stairs tonight without nearly collapsing in a heap at the top.

I know different people take different times to recover from attacks, but in your eyes do you think I should've been at Red Cross last night? I've now put Chris in the position where he wants to leave Red cross and I really don't want that to happen for my sake or his.

Sorry for offloading on you, don't feel completely obliged to reply, it was good to have a rant :)

Thanks,

Vicky x

Chris wants to take care of me, that's all fine and well for someone who wants to be taken care of, but I'm 18 for christs sake! I want to go to college and run up stairs and go and get smashed at the weekend, but I can't! I know I can't, because I went for a walk around the park tonight with him and came home and felt like shit. It's annoying and I hate it. I know full well I'm not the worst person with asthma, and I know I'm pretty damned lucky. But I see how my friends bounce back from attacks, and I want to be able to do that. It's shit. And I hate it.

Shameful

I know, I know. I'm a disgrace. But I do have a half decent excuse, honest! I think I've got about 3 big things to tell you all about!

1) I've got a boyfriend! His name's Chris and he's 21. He goes to the Red Cross with me, and is training to be a paramedic. Which made last night interesting when my chest went to hell and he attacked me with his steth and sats monitor. I wasn't impressed. But I really like him, and would love to make it last with him. I don't think he realises just how much he means to me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

2) I've got a proper job! I am now a McDonalds employee. Only a student can get away with that really. I'm not sure whether I like it or not yet. I can't really keep up with it. I was on drinks last Sat. In the busiest McDonalds in town on half term, it made for an interesting day... But I'm on 9-6 on Saturday, so we shall see.

3) I passed all my first aid assessments! I'm now a qualified first aider! I got my kit last night and my ID card came in the post this week, so I'm well chuffed. I'm going on my first duty as a qualified person on Sunday, which I'm really looking forward to. It should be good!

I don't think I've any other major news. I was in London on Tuesday for Asthma UK's youth conference which was great fun. It was held in the Houses of Parliament and it was good fun. I'm going back on Tuesday coming for a Question Time with the Prime Minister which should be good fun!

Anyway, I need to do some college work, laters!

National Express

Well, I'm 18 now! Yaaaay! I know I've been uber rubbish at updating my blog, but I do have a good excuse, honest!

College has been taking up a large amount of my time. I'm generally in from about 9-4 every day and then once I get home just want to flump down and go to sleep haha. But it's good fun and I'm kind of beginning to enjoy it.

I was in Ireland for a few days just after my birthday and only got back this morning. I spent about 12 hours on a coach in the past 24hours. I left Belfast at about 5ish yesterday and got into Leciester at about 7ish this morning. It was a long journey, made worse by the fact that the bloke in the seat in front of me was pissed and flirting with the 17yo beside him. Fun times. Not. But Ireland was good fun. I went and got completely plastered with my friend and went clothes shopping with my mum, so all was good! I got a lot of new clothes, so much so I had to take a bigger suitcase home with me. It was annoying though because the damned wheels died just as I was getting on the coach in Belfast, then the handle died in Birmingham. Not cool. I was most unimpressed. So I gave up and got a taxi home. It cost me a tenner but it was worth it instead of having to try and lug that damned thing through town and from the bus stop. I got home eventually though and went straight to sleep!

I can't really remember a lot of Ireland, and it wasn't because I was drunk. I honestly don't know what happened. It's wierd. I know I spent Thurs and Sunday night with dad, Sat night with mum when I got back from town and Friday night with Nanny. It was good fun and I did have a fabby time, what I remember of it. I got a few presents aswell which was good. I got some clothes, a locket from mum, money, gift vouchers, a picture of me and mum in a frame and a digital photo frame which is currently showing my "We Must Take Our Tablets Or We Will Go Mad" picture. It's all good fun!

I'm gonna go watch telly now, laters! x

New URL

I've had to change my URL because I was scared of Joan finding it. I don't really want her to see some of the stuff that's going on because she'd get uber worried.

I'm having a bit of a low. It's shit, I've been having a really good day and now just can't be arsed. I've got college in the morning and I'm really dreading it. I'm having serious problems re-adjusting to the whole college thing. Last time I was in school I knew everyone, had friends and knew my way around the place. I'm in a brand new college and know nobody. It's shit.

I'm going to Ireland though, so it's all good.

College

I've started back at college! It's a bit mad. It's been 7 months since I did any kind of school work, and to be thrown straight back in is a bit scary. It's all good though, it gives me something to do. Even if it does exhaust me!

I'm going to Ireland! I'm going to have to get the coach, which only requires photo ID. So I can use my old passport and my college ID! It's going to take 12hours. It's a nightmare. Dearbhla is flying. It's going to take her 55 minutes. >.< That'll teach me to loose my passport!

On another note, Adori Graphics (who fabulously designed my blog) is giving away a free giveaway! It's for a rotating header and it looks fantastic! Pop over to her blog at adorigraphics.blogspot.com!

Lost

I've lost my bloody passport! I'm going to Ireland in 3 weeks and I cna't find my fucking passport. How annoying is that?! I'm gonna ring First Bus first thing in the morning and see if anyone handed it in. Then if not I need to e-mail Red Cross and see if I left it there, and as a last resort I need to ring the Police and report it missing. So uncool.

In other news, I've got a job! It's only McDonalds, but seeing as it's the middle of a recession and it's a bloody nightmare to find a job at the minute, this is very good! It's a Saturday and Sunday job, and I've got my Welcome meeting on the 9th September. I'm going to be stupidly busy the next few weeks. I've got a lot of Red Cross stuff on, Work, Ireland and Diving. Madness!

Anyway, I can't be arsed to type anymore!

Toodles!

Looking Up

Things are finally starting to look up. I think I've managed to get my depression under control, cause I'm not as down all the time or suicidal as I was. I can get out of bed in the morning and not wonder why I bother. This is good :) And I like it. I've found a flat I like aswell and I'm going to go speak to connexions on Monday and see what they say! I'm starting college in September and stuff, so I'll have stuff to do again. I'm really looking forward to it, I've missed school!

It's Dearbhla's birthday on Friday, I can't wait. I'm probably more excited about it than she is lol. She's at camp this week, so I've had time to sort everything out. It's all good! I'm looking forward to it all, it should be good fun! We're going back to Ireland in September, and I can't wait. I can't wait to see my mates and family. I miss them loads, and am quite homesick at the minute, spec for my friends. I think it's because they're all starting 6th year in September and I'm not. I'm hopefully going to be home for their last day though, it would mean a lot if I could get home for it!

Anyways, I'm off to sleep! Night!

6 months

Today is my 6month living in England. And I don't know what I feel about it. I want to be home again. I don't want to be the girl that had to move to another country because her family deserted her. I just want to be normal. I want my mum to be there for me, and give me a hug when I need her. And not have to rely on friends to do the things my mum should've. It's not fair. I just want everything to be normal again.

I miss my mum, TJ, Nanny, Pappy and friends. I miss getting up in the morning and going to school. I want to start 6th year, and graduate with all my friends. Instead of constantly changing schools because of stupid family life. I miss home.

London

Have I ever said how much I hate London? Well, I despise it. It's full of smelly, germ infested streets and people running around in masks for fear of someone coming 2inches in front of them and sneezing, thus giving them the dreaded Pig Flu. Oink. I'm probably going to get swine flu, but hey ho. I'll tell my room-mate, and make her get tami flu, but nobody else is knowing. Foster Mum will run around the house in a bio hazard suit pumping out paracetamol through a air rifle. And besides, I already demonstrate 4 of the symptoms. I sneeze, cough, get headaches and muscle aches. So feck them.

Anyway, I was in London today for a meeting with the Department of Health. It was one of those things that drives you insane, but doing it makes you feel good, because if there's a chance you can help your friends then you'll do anything. Which is the reason behind my staying up half the night last week trying to read the documents I was sent. It was tedious. The morning was spent with AUK reading over it, then the afternoon was spent with the Dept of Health reading it again. I think the DOH one was easier to sit through. They made more sense and didn't spend half an hour argueing over whether nebs* where better than pMDI's**. It was all good though. I learnt a fair bit, and met some people who are quite influencial in the health system which was quite cool. It was one of those days that you don't know whether it was boring or not haha.

On the way home I stopped into a friends for the day, and had a laugh with her for a few hours which was good fun. She's one of my best mates, and I've only known her for a month haha. Anyway, I'll leave you with a picture of what I saw on the way home. As Mish says, Cannibal Lector!



* Neb - A machine that gives medication via a mask/mouthpiece as a mist for you to inhaler. Generally used in hospitals.
**pMDI - Pressured Metered Dose Inhaler - Standard "blue inhaler"

New Blog

Isn't it wicked? Adori Graphics did it for me, the link's at the bottom of the page. It's well good!

In other news, dad's been over since Monday, and went home at about 5ish this morning. It was great having him over. We did some wicked stuff together, and with Dearbhla. the first night he was here, we went and had a few games of pool, then came back and had pizza with Sinead and Dearbhla. I don't think I've ever seen Dearbhla stop eating before then. The next day we were at a complete loss as to what to do, so went to Twycross. It was brilliant, there was looaaaads of monkies, which are my favourite animal ever! That evening Dearbhla had St John, so me and dad went to Asda to get some food and walked around the highcross and then picked her up. The next day me and dad went bowling, then I had Red Cross which was fun. Dad picked me up and took me, Sinead and Dearbhla to see Harry Potter which was well good.

I love seeing dad. I see him maybe once a month, sometimes longer or shorter. Just depends really. I'l not see him again until September now which is a bit rubbish, but it's something to look forward to!

Sprains, Slings and Stings

I completed my Basic First Aid course today! I've now got a first aid qualification! It was a really boring day, but I managed to brush up on everything I'd forgotten since I last did FA. It was fun, I must've gotten put in the recovery position about 8 times because my partner couldn't get it right. It was well funny. I did about 20 bandages on heads, arms, legs and god knows what else. I did slings aswell, which was funny. I had to do it on the instructor and completely forgot how to do it.

Dad's coming this week, I can't wait. I don't know what I'm doing with him yet, but I want to go see Harry Potter! Dearbhla's friend Sinead is coming to stay for the week, she had problems with university accomodation. But Joan and Derek are going away on holidays this week, so it won't be as cramped. I'll be in the attic, Dearbhla and Sinead in our room and Dad in Joes room. So it won't be too bad.

It's all good fun though.

Dentist

I surived the dentist, and the dentist surived me! For me, that's a huge deal, and I'm really proud of myself. Normally I'd completely freak at the dentist. My GP had given me 4mg of diazepam, but it didn't really help, so I was kind of doing it all on my own. I don't really like my dentist. He kept me waiting for 45 minutes. Leaving a phobic patient in the waiting room that long is not a good idea. I was going insane and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I did cry a bit, but I don't care, because I didn't punch/bite or verbally abuse my dentist. Which was something I normally do. But I didn't, so Go me!

I think I might go buy myself a new pair of combat 3/4 lengths tomorrow as a present to myself for surviving the dentist lol. Hmmm....

Day in the life of lost-soul

Ok, because I don't have times for doing anything, I'll take this Weds because I know kinda what I have to do.

9.30 - Get up and look around and see if Dearbhla is up yet
09.35 - Take meds, go to toilet and tooter downstairs for some breakfast
10.00 - Brush teeth, have a wash and get dressed
11.15 - Go on laptop for a bit
12.00 - Dentist for filling. Cue huge panic.
1.00 - Come home and sleep sedation off.
3.00 - Get out of bed and ring the bank.
3.15 - Moan at Alison about how useless the banks are
3.30 - Go on laptop for another while/collect George
4.00 - Watch TV with the kids for a bit
5.00 - Dinner time!
5.30 - Go back on laptop for another while.
6.30 - Leave for RC!
10.00 - Arrive home, flop in bed with laptop and fall asleep watching House.

My life revolves around laptop :P

Good Impressions

Finally! Things are looking ever so slightly better. I started Red Cross this week, and I honestly don't know why I didn't do it sooner, because I love it, and have already made friends. Then through it I joined Starbase Leicester, which is for nerds and geeks that like sci fi stuff! It's wicked! I've made friends, that accept me for who I am, and I get on really well with. It's brilliant! I'm :D for the first time in ages! They don't care that I'm insane, and that I love being insane, because they're all mad aswell!

:D I'm so hyper I can't sleep!

Bad impression

I've blown it. My few days with Nanny. Supposidely stress free, blown. James, Mum and TJ came up. And me and James in the same room was never going to work. He had a go at me. "You've torn your mum apart, don't you dare ever come back." That started it. I was already worried about him coming down. It's never going to end. Then Nanny, Pappy and me went out for dinner for fathers day. Even on the way into town I was getting chastised. Being told I'd be lucky to finish college never mind get into university. That I'd no sense and I should've just stayed in Monaghan. That I'd upset my mum more than I'd ever know, and she'd permantly be torn apart.

I've had enough. I can't be bothered with this anymore. I want to go home and never come back. It's obvious I'm not worth it.

Intelligent conversation

You wake up in the morning, and you wonder what time it is. Whether you've over slept again. But just for once, You're happy you're getting out of bed. That's how I felt this morning. I really overslept, but I didn't care. I was happy because I was with my dad. For the first time in absolutely ages I was happy to be alive. To be getting out of bed. It's good, I like it.

I've been doing a lot of talking with dad when I've been over. We've been talking about depression, a fight I had with Dearbhla, his depression and everything in between. He's so much better than any councellor, because he's been through depression, and knows how I feel. So you can actually have an intelligent conversation with him. He gives me advice and stuff, and knows what he's talking about. I love him to bits, I really do.

I'm going to Monaghan tomorrow. I'm gonna be staying with my nanny. I saw her a few weeks ago, which was quite cool, so I'll have seen her twice in as many weeks. I'm just waiting to hear from her what she's doing, because she only gets back from Canada tomorrow afternoon, I've asked her to collect me from the bus tomorrow at about 5.30pm, so she's time to get some sleep and stuff. It's all good.

We'll see how the trip home goes...

Mixed Emotions

It's been a bit of a strange day. I was having a really good day, up until about 5PM, when I found out someone in my year had a stroke and died. I cant' believe it, she was my age. she was out with friends last night, and had a stroke. Got sent to Cavan Intensive care, had another one and was declared Brain Dead. Her family had to turn off her ventilator. I don't know how I would be able to do that. It would be the worst thing in the world. She was 17. She should've been getting ready to start her Leaving Cert, going out with friends, getting laid dammit! Not having a stroke! It's not fair. As House says "Life shouldn't be random. Drug addicted old men should be dying in bus crashes, not young do gooders in love." And he's totally right. It's not fair.

In other news, I'm heading back to Ireland tomorrow. I'm not sure what I think of it. I know it will be good for Dearbhla to have some space for a week, but going home is hard. It's bringing up all the emotions I've been trying to put to the back of my head. Everything that happened just gets brought back to the front of my head. I get worse flashbacks, nightmares and everything just gets multiplied by about 10. It's hard. I know I have to go home though, because I can't keep running from everything for the rest of my life. I've booked flights for me and Dearbhla to go home in September for my birthday. Going home for a good time hopefully, if nothing happens that is.

I just found out one of my best mates boyfriends wants to admit himself to a pysch hospital. I'm really worried about him, as much as he does my head in, he's still a really nice bloke, and doesn't deserve half the stuff that has happened to him.

Hope he's OK.

Small steps

I'm gonna do a positive post, because the last few posts have been really downbeat.

Today I went into town. I had to go to Curry's to get my laptop fixed and get dads fathers day present. Curry's told me they would re-install it and that should sort it out. OK, so get home, OK, play with it a bit, and it crashes. Shit. Tomorrow I'm dragging Dearbhla into town with me and I'm getting this damned thing either fixed or replaced. Because I don't wanna be taking a doody laptop home with me. Although, I may get dad to have a look at it if it doesn't get sorted tomorrow.

I got dad one of the old Dr Who DVD's. One of the Tom Baker era ones, and a really nice card, so it's all good. He's done a lot for me in the past year and I don't know what I would've done without him. I'm now broke, but he deserves it.

Me and Dearbhla had a really good afternoon. We were throwing Jelly Beans and Haribo's at each other and seeing who could catch them in our mouths. It was great, I was actually really happy and we were both in stitches laughing. I love Dearbhla for that, she's great at making me laugh.

So a good day all in all :)

Dealing with it all.

It’s 03.24. I’m starting to feel a little better. I’m not just as suicidal. My thoughts of SH have passed, I’ve spent basically all day watching House. Literally. I’ve watched an entire season in a day. My mates have seen a happy cheerful Lost-Soul who balances stuff on her head, but it’s distraction. It gives me something to think of other than the depression. My leg’s really sore. I might go to the Out of Hours tomorrow, because I don’t think I can go to Ireland with it like it is. It’s like stabbing pains. And it’s progressed to both legs. It’s worse in my left leg and I honestly don’t know why. I’m lying with 2 pillows under my knee to try and keep it elevated. Dearbhla is sleeping. I’m glad she’s OK. I worry about her all the time. I keep thinking I’ve annoyed her, or done something to upset her. People say I haven’t, but I can’t shake the niggling feeling that I have. This episode of House is so upsetting. His best friend’s girlfriend dies because he got drunk, and he does basically anything to save her, including putting herself in a coma. I’d do anything for my friends. If they asked me to do something like a kidney transplant, or even something as simple as fetch something from the shops, I generally do it, because they are my best friends, and I don’t want to ever do something to upset them. They play a song called “Passing Afternoon” at the end of it, and it’s one of those songs. I used to sit in the middle of my room, get drunk and sing this song when I was upset. I hear it and remember everything that happened, the good and the bad. All the rows with James, the times me and mum laughed together. The few good memories I have of me and my mum are permantley lodged in a spot in my brain. I can remember sitting in the sofa watching Pretty Woman with her, sitting in the car going around and round the roundabout. But they’re limited. Mum changed. When James started drinking more she became more withdrawn and didn’t want to sit with me. I wasn’t allowed a proper hug. I think I got maybe 3 proper hugs in about 4 years. And one of those was when I was leaving. The day I was leaving will haunt me forever. The look on my mum’s face when I got out of the car and on the bus. Walking out of our house with my suitcases. Those are the memories I want to be able to forget, but can’t. One of my worst memories is coming home from school one day, and finding James crying on the stairs. He was suicidal. Mum and TJ were out, and I had to try and talk my stepdad back into living. Giving him a reason to carry on, when quite frankly even I couldn’t see one. That was when I was in the midst of a bad depression. I was about 15, and trying to talk your stepdad out of something like that, when you can’t even do it to yourself is not something that you learn to do in school. You don’t get a lesson in ‘Dealing with Alcoholics’ or ‘Dealing with Depression.’ Yea, we got stress management, but it’s not exactly the same. You come home from school every day and you don’t know what state your stepdad is going to be in. Whether you’re going to have to hide in your room all night, or whether you’re going to get sang at and everything’s going to be fine and dandy. But you know deep down, that one little thing can make him snap. Everyday is a constant battle to try and find a reason to go on. You think things can get better, which is why you haven’t gone yet. And you do leave, and you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. But things aren’t as easy as they seem, and I didn’t know that when I made the decision to move. Many a time I wonder did I make the right decision. And I still haven’t come up with a valid answer.

Bad night

I’m having a bad night. And I’ve no idea why. This is the problem with depression, you go into lows, and you don’t know why. I’ve spent all night looking at my meds and wondering have I enough to do damage. And I probably do. There’s at least 100 co-codamol, and about 20 tramadol in my drawer. I’m scared. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I keep thinking I’ve pissed people off. The people close to me like Dearbhla, Joan or dad. My friends. They say I haven’t, but I don’t know, I feel like I have. I am already getting side effects from my citalopram (anti-depressants). My heart rate has been in the 160’s all day. It’s doing my head in. It’s too hot. I’m lying in bed with a thin blanket on, my pyjama bottoms rolled up and a really light t-shirt on. It’s nearly 2am but I’m not tired. My stupid leg hurts, which gives me a reason to take pain meds. This is not good. I’ve taken 2 tramadol tonight. But I don’t know if I could take any now. I’m not in the right mind frame to be taking strong pain killers. It sounds stupid. But I know if I go near them now I’ll probably take too many. I’m trying to type loads so I keep my hands occupied, because right now I’m so unbelievably tempted to self harm. I haven’t felt like this for nearly a year. It’s pissing me off. I’m playing Majong, typing this and watching a DVD all at the same time. I can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like shit and I’ve no idea why. I’m gonna go play some more Majong, and play some more random games and hope this passes. I’ll wait until I’m stupid tired before going to sleep.

No Hope.

I've lost all hope of getting into university. I'm useless at school. I've the concentration span of a gnat. I know I'm smart, I just can't concentrate for long enough to sit down and study. I would love to get to uni, but I probably won't. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my concentration span is shit.

I don't want to be on anti-depressants. It might be for the best, but I don't want to. I don't want to admit I'm depressed again. I can't do it. I'll take the anti-depressants for a few weeks till I'm back at GP, and if they haven't done very much, I'mgonna ask to either have them upped, or taken off them. I e-mailed Open Door tonight. They're the councelling service my GP wants me to see. It's a lot easier to say something in e-mail than to ring them, so it's good they have an e-mail option.

We'll see how the anti-depressants go. I'm not looking forward to the side effects. The next few days should be fun. I'm going back to Ireland for a week on Tuesday. That'll be interesting...

Depression

I've been re-diagnosed with depression. This is not good. And it's not welcome. I had depression before, and was on anti-depressants, but stopped them when I moved to England. It probably wasn't the best idea, but at the time I just wanted a new start. No anti-depressants because they're a reminder of the past. And I end up back on them. I suppose it's for the best. Feeling like you don't wanna live anymore is never a good way to go. I've got 10mg citalopram, And I've to go back and see my GP in 2 weeks. I've also to find out if I'm getting sedation for the dentist. I've to go and get a filling on the 1st July, and I ain't letting no dentist with a needle near my mouth. Not a hope in hell.

Besides that, I'm still having a crap time. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a cheque in the post this morning from Asthma UK for 12 quid in expenses from April, so that's good, I also got some details about my national insurance number in the post, which is also good. So overall it's been a very strange day so far.

Lost with no cause

OK, so I started this blog really to give myself somewhere to let off steam, mainly because I don't know how to otherwise, and I don't want to snap at anyone in real life.

A little bit of background about me.

I'm a 17 year old, who for 7 years lived with an alchoholic stepdad. He started physically abusing me about a year ago, and on top of all the verbal and emotional abuse I decided to move out. It had already left it's mark though, and I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have flashbacks to what happened, and have nightmares about things. They're always involving things that happened with him, but 10x worse. the worst one I ever had was he was raping my mum and tried to kill TJ, and I was in the corner watching it all, unable to move or speak. They're scary, and they scare the shit out of me. But I find it helps if I unload on someone, so that's what this is for. I moved to England at the end of January, and now live with my best friend and her family. They're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love them to bits.

Ontop of all of that, I've got moderate/severe asthma. I take 3 different inhalers, and a tablet for my asthma. I'm quite lucky as my best friends have Severe/Brittle asthma, and they take a lot more medications than me. I also get stress induced migraines. So I need to try and stay kind of calm a lot of the time or I get a migraine that incapacitates me for 2 days.

Apart from that, I do a lot of work for Asthma UK, and am part of their Youth Forum. I am also going to be doing work with the Department of Health, and hopefully for the George Collor Memorial if they ever need us again. I love sports, and am hoping to become a sports coach for Leicester City council at some point in the near future.

Today is one of my bad days. I'm having an "I miss home day." I get these maybe twice a month. They're days when I want a hug from my mum or little brother, to be back in my old school with my friends and for everything to be normal. But I know that can never happen again. Because I've seen and done too much in my life.

Anyway, I'll leave you with some random stuff about me.

I'm starting GCSE's in September.
I'm hoping to try and remain as anonymous as possible on this.
I'm a qualified Open Water SCUBA diver
I can ski
I own an iPod touch, LG mobile, Acer Laptop, Wii, Xbox, PC (which is at home), 2 telly's, a dvd player, 3 hard drives and a kick ass graphics card!

Until next time!