Day in the life of lost-soul

Ok, because I don't have times for doing anything, I'll take this Weds because I know kinda what I have to do.

9.30 - Get up and look around and see if Dearbhla is up yet
09.35 - Take meds, go to toilet and tooter downstairs for some breakfast
10.00 - Brush teeth, have a wash and get dressed
11.15 - Go on laptop for a bit
12.00 - Dentist for filling. Cue huge panic.
1.00 - Come home and sleep sedation off.
3.00 - Get out of bed and ring the bank.
3.15 - Moan at Alison about how useless the banks are
3.30 - Go on laptop for another while/collect George
4.00 - Watch TV with the kids for a bit
5.00 - Dinner time!
5.30 - Go back on laptop for another while.
6.30 - Leave for RC!
10.00 - Arrive home, flop in bed with laptop and fall asleep watching House.

My life revolves around laptop :P

Good Impressions

Finally! Things are looking ever so slightly better. I started Red Cross this week, and I honestly don't know why I didn't do it sooner, because I love it, and have already made friends. Then through it I joined Starbase Leicester, which is for nerds and geeks that like sci fi stuff! It's wicked! I've made friends, that accept me for who I am, and I get on really well with. It's brilliant! I'm :D for the first time in ages! They don't care that I'm insane, and that I love being insane, because they're all mad aswell!

:D I'm so hyper I can't sleep!

Bad impression

I've blown it. My few days with Nanny. Supposidely stress free, blown. James, Mum and TJ came up. And me and James in the same room was never going to work. He had a go at me. "You've torn your mum apart, don't you dare ever come back." That started it. I was already worried about him coming down. It's never going to end. Then Nanny, Pappy and me went out for dinner for fathers day. Even on the way into town I was getting chastised. Being told I'd be lucky to finish college never mind get into university. That I'd no sense and I should've just stayed in Monaghan. That I'd upset my mum more than I'd ever know, and she'd permantly be torn apart.

I've had enough. I can't be bothered with this anymore. I want to go home and never come back. It's obvious I'm not worth it.

Intelligent conversation

You wake up in the morning, and you wonder what time it is. Whether you've over slept again. But just for once, You're happy you're getting out of bed. That's how I felt this morning. I really overslept, but I didn't care. I was happy because I was with my dad. For the first time in absolutely ages I was happy to be alive. To be getting out of bed. It's good, I like it.

I've been doing a lot of talking with dad when I've been over. We've been talking about depression, a fight I had with Dearbhla, his depression and everything in between. He's so much better than any councellor, because he's been through depression, and knows how I feel. So you can actually have an intelligent conversation with him. He gives me advice and stuff, and knows what he's talking about. I love him to bits, I really do.

I'm going to Monaghan tomorrow. I'm gonna be staying with my nanny. I saw her a few weeks ago, which was quite cool, so I'll have seen her twice in as many weeks. I'm just waiting to hear from her what she's doing, because she only gets back from Canada tomorrow afternoon, I've asked her to collect me from the bus tomorrow at about 5.30pm, so she's time to get some sleep and stuff. It's all good.

We'll see how the trip home goes...

Mixed Emotions

It's been a bit of a strange day. I was having a really good day, up until about 5PM, when I found out someone in my year had a stroke and died. I cant' believe it, she was my age. she was out with friends last night, and had a stroke. Got sent to Cavan Intensive care, had another one and was declared Brain Dead. Her family had to turn off her ventilator. I don't know how I would be able to do that. It would be the worst thing in the world. She was 17. She should've been getting ready to start her Leaving Cert, going out with friends, getting laid dammit! Not having a stroke! It's not fair. As House says "Life shouldn't be random. Drug addicted old men should be dying in bus crashes, not young do gooders in love." And he's totally right. It's not fair.

In other news, I'm heading back to Ireland tomorrow. I'm not sure what I think of it. I know it will be good for Dearbhla to have some space for a week, but going home is hard. It's bringing up all the emotions I've been trying to put to the back of my head. Everything that happened just gets brought back to the front of my head. I get worse flashbacks, nightmares and everything just gets multiplied by about 10. It's hard. I know I have to go home though, because I can't keep running from everything for the rest of my life. I've booked flights for me and Dearbhla to go home in September for my birthday. Going home for a good time hopefully, if nothing happens that is.

I just found out one of my best mates boyfriends wants to admit himself to a pysch hospital. I'm really worried about him, as much as he does my head in, he's still a really nice bloke, and doesn't deserve half the stuff that has happened to him.

Hope he's OK.

Small steps

I'm gonna do a positive post, because the last few posts have been really downbeat.

Today I went into town. I had to go to Curry's to get my laptop fixed and get dads fathers day present. Curry's told me they would re-install it and that should sort it out. OK, so get home, OK, play with it a bit, and it crashes. Shit. Tomorrow I'm dragging Dearbhla into town with me and I'm getting this damned thing either fixed or replaced. Because I don't wanna be taking a doody laptop home with me. Although, I may get dad to have a look at it if it doesn't get sorted tomorrow.

I got dad one of the old Dr Who DVD's. One of the Tom Baker era ones, and a really nice card, so it's all good. He's done a lot for me in the past year and I don't know what I would've done without him. I'm now broke, but he deserves it.

Me and Dearbhla had a really good afternoon. We were throwing Jelly Beans and Haribo's at each other and seeing who could catch them in our mouths. It was great, I was actually really happy and we were both in stitches laughing. I love Dearbhla for that, she's great at making me laugh.

So a good day all in all :)

Dealing with it all.

It’s 03.24. I’m starting to feel a little better. I’m not just as suicidal. My thoughts of SH have passed, I’ve spent basically all day watching House. Literally. I’ve watched an entire season in a day. My mates have seen a happy cheerful Lost-Soul who balances stuff on her head, but it’s distraction. It gives me something to think of other than the depression. My leg’s really sore. I might go to the Out of Hours tomorrow, because I don’t think I can go to Ireland with it like it is. It’s like stabbing pains. And it’s progressed to both legs. It’s worse in my left leg and I honestly don’t know why. I’m lying with 2 pillows under my knee to try and keep it elevated. Dearbhla is sleeping. I’m glad she’s OK. I worry about her all the time. I keep thinking I’ve annoyed her, or done something to upset her. People say I haven’t, but I can’t shake the niggling feeling that I have. This episode of House is so upsetting. His best friend’s girlfriend dies because he got drunk, and he does basically anything to save her, including putting herself in a coma. I’d do anything for my friends. If they asked me to do something like a kidney transplant, or even something as simple as fetch something from the shops, I generally do it, because they are my best friends, and I don’t want to ever do something to upset them. They play a song called “Passing Afternoon” at the end of it, and it’s one of those songs. I used to sit in the middle of my room, get drunk and sing this song when I was upset. I hear it and remember everything that happened, the good and the bad. All the rows with James, the times me and mum laughed together. The few good memories I have of me and my mum are permantley lodged in a spot in my brain. I can remember sitting in the sofa watching Pretty Woman with her, sitting in the car going around and round the roundabout. But they’re limited. Mum changed. When James started drinking more she became more withdrawn and didn’t want to sit with me. I wasn’t allowed a proper hug. I think I got maybe 3 proper hugs in about 4 years. And one of those was when I was leaving. The day I was leaving will haunt me forever. The look on my mum’s face when I got out of the car and on the bus. Walking out of our house with my suitcases. Those are the memories I want to be able to forget, but can’t. One of my worst memories is coming home from school one day, and finding James crying on the stairs. He was suicidal. Mum and TJ were out, and I had to try and talk my stepdad back into living. Giving him a reason to carry on, when quite frankly even I couldn’t see one. That was when I was in the midst of a bad depression. I was about 15, and trying to talk your stepdad out of something like that, when you can’t even do it to yourself is not something that you learn to do in school. You don’t get a lesson in ‘Dealing with Alcoholics’ or ‘Dealing with Depression.’ Yea, we got stress management, but it’s not exactly the same. You come home from school every day and you don’t know what state your stepdad is going to be in. Whether you’re going to have to hide in your room all night, or whether you’re going to get sang at and everything’s going to be fine and dandy. But you know deep down, that one little thing can make him snap. Everyday is a constant battle to try and find a reason to go on. You think things can get better, which is why you haven’t gone yet. And you do leave, and you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. But things aren’t as easy as they seem, and I didn’t know that when I made the decision to move. Many a time I wonder did I make the right decision. And I still haven’t come up with a valid answer.

Bad night

I’m having a bad night. And I’ve no idea why. This is the problem with depression, you go into lows, and you don’t know why. I’ve spent all night looking at my meds and wondering have I enough to do damage. And I probably do. There’s at least 100 co-codamol, and about 20 tramadol in my drawer. I’m scared. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I keep thinking I’ve pissed people off. The people close to me like Dearbhla, Joan or dad. My friends. They say I haven’t, but I don’t know, I feel like I have. I am already getting side effects from my citalopram (anti-depressants). My heart rate has been in the 160’s all day. It’s doing my head in. It’s too hot. I’m lying in bed with a thin blanket on, my pyjama bottoms rolled up and a really light t-shirt on. It’s nearly 2am but I’m not tired. My stupid leg hurts, which gives me a reason to take pain meds. This is not good. I’ve taken 2 tramadol tonight. But I don’t know if I could take any now. I’m not in the right mind frame to be taking strong pain killers. It sounds stupid. But I know if I go near them now I’ll probably take too many. I’m trying to type loads so I keep my hands occupied, because right now I’m so unbelievably tempted to self harm. I haven’t felt like this for nearly a year. It’s pissing me off. I’m playing Majong, typing this and watching a DVD all at the same time. I can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like shit and I’ve no idea why. I’m gonna go play some more Majong, and play some more random games and hope this passes. I’ll wait until I’m stupid tired before going to sleep.

No Hope.

I've lost all hope of getting into university. I'm useless at school. I've the concentration span of a gnat. I know I'm smart, I just can't concentrate for long enough to sit down and study. I would love to get to uni, but I probably won't. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my concentration span is shit.

I don't want to be on anti-depressants. It might be for the best, but I don't want to. I don't want to admit I'm depressed again. I can't do it. I'll take the anti-depressants for a few weeks till I'm back at GP, and if they haven't done very much, I'mgonna ask to either have them upped, or taken off them. I e-mailed Open Door tonight. They're the councelling service my GP wants me to see. It's a lot easier to say something in e-mail than to ring them, so it's good they have an e-mail option.

We'll see how the anti-depressants go. I'm not looking forward to the side effects. The next few days should be fun. I'm going back to Ireland for a week on Tuesday. That'll be interesting...

Depression

I've been re-diagnosed with depression. This is not good. And it's not welcome. I had depression before, and was on anti-depressants, but stopped them when I moved to England. It probably wasn't the best idea, but at the time I just wanted a new start. No anti-depressants because they're a reminder of the past. And I end up back on them. I suppose it's for the best. Feeling like you don't wanna live anymore is never a good way to go. I've got 10mg citalopram, And I've to go back and see my GP in 2 weeks. I've also to find out if I'm getting sedation for the dentist. I've to go and get a filling on the 1st July, and I ain't letting no dentist with a needle near my mouth. Not a hope in hell.

Besides that, I'm still having a crap time. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a cheque in the post this morning from Asthma UK for 12 quid in expenses from April, so that's good, I also got some details about my national insurance number in the post, which is also good. So overall it's been a very strange day so far.

Lost with no cause

OK, so I started this blog really to give myself somewhere to let off steam, mainly because I don't know how to otherwise, and I don't want to snap at anyone in real life.

A little bit of background about me.

I'm a 17 year old, who for 7 years lived with an alchoholic stepdad. He started physically abusing me about a year ago, and on top of all the verbal and emotional abuse I decided to move out. It had already left it's mark though, and I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have flashbacks to what happened, and have nightmares about things. They're always involving things that happened with him, but 10x worse. the worst one I ever had was he was raping my mum and tried to kill TJ, and I was in the corner watching it all, unable to move or speak. They're scary, and they scare the shit out of me. But I find it helps if I unload on someone, so that's what this is for. I moved to England at the end of January, and now live with my best friend and her family. They're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love them to bits.

Ontop of all of that, I've got moderate/severe asthma. I take 3 different inhalers, and a tablet for my asthma. I'm quite lucky as my best friends have Severe/Brittle asthma, and they take a lot more medications than me. I also get stress induced migraines. So I need to try and stay kind of calm a lot of the time or I get a migraine that incapacitates me for 2 days.

Apart from that, I do a lot of work for Asthma UK, and am part of their Youth Forum. I am also going to be doing work with the Department of Health, and hopefully for the George Collor Memorial if they ever need us again. I love sports, and am hoping to become a sports coach for Leicester City council at some point in the near future.

Today is one of my bad days. I'm having an "I miss home day." I get these maybe twice a month. They're days when I want a hug from my mum or little brother, to be back in my old school with my friends and for everything to be normal. But I know that can never happen again. Because I've seen and done too much in my life.

Anyway, I'll leave you with some random stuff about me.

I'm starting GCSE's in September.
I'm hoping to try and remain as anonymous as possible on this.
I'm a qualified Open Water SCUBA diver
I can ski
I own an iPod touch, LG mobile, Acer Laptop, Wii, Xbox, PC (which is at home), 2 telly's, a dvd player, 3 hard drives and a kick ass graphics card!

Until next time!